UEFA Europa Conference League - Alkmaar, Legia and Zrinjski

[Monty]

Hopefully, and I hope they give Spurs a good twatting tonight, causing the Spurs players to lose it and start kicking them all over the place. That would be grand.

Then all the Spurs players are suspended for us and they need to play the u-21s.

Actually they'd probably be more competitive.

[Toronto Villa]

Hopefully, and I hope they give Spurs a good twatting tonight, causing the Spurs players to lose it and start kicking them all over the place. That would be grand.

Unfortunately the Spurs players would likely be shit at that too. Probably miss and kick themselves in the bollocks.

[algy]

The 'games in hand' that other teams have are:
Newcastle vs Brighton; Liverpool v Fulham; Man City vs West Ham; Brighton vs Man Utd; Brighton v Man City; Man Utd vs Chelsea.

To me, Brighton will do well to get anything out of that.  Suppose they manage 1pt somewhere.  Liverpool will probably beat Fulham.  None of the other matches are particularly relevant.  That would put the table something like:

4. Newcastle. - 62pts*
5. Liverpool - 56pts
6. Us - 54pts
7. Spurs - 53pts*
8. Brighton - 50pts
9. Brentford - 47pts

* to play tonight

I think catching up Liverpool will be challenging.  We need to beat them, and then equal their record in the remaining games (they've a much better goal difference than us, so equal on points is no good).

Spurs are similar - beat them, and regardless of what they do tonight we just have to equal what they do.  Our goal differences are similar.

We're starting to pull clear of Brighton.  Keep up with the other 2, and their results will be no more relevant to us than Brentford or Fulham's.

[LeeB]

Hopefully, and I hope they give Spurs a good twatting tonight, causing the Spurs players to lose it and start kicking them all over the place. That would be grand.

Unfortunately the Spurs players would likely be shit at that too. Probably miss and kick themselves in the bollocks.

I'm thinking of that time they played Chelsea and bollocksed their chance of the title, so went about kicking the shit out of them which is of course perfectly acceptable given it was Chelsea. Still funny that they were in a 2 horse race with Leicester and finished 3rd.

[Toronto Villa]

Chelsea with the likes of John Terry kicking the shit out of teams is understandable. Spurs are soft as a melted 99. Conte was right about all of them. I would love to them get a fucking battering tonight. Ryan Mason isn’t changing a thing of the likes of Mourinho, Conte, even Nuno couldn’t get a tune out of them.

[LeeB]

The likes of both Spurs and Chelsea going back to being the mid to lower table fodder I grew up loathing, on a more or less permanent basis, can't come soon enough.

[AV82EC]

All it needs is for about 5 or 6 teams to go on an amazing run and Chelsea still aren’t safe from relegation. I can but dream….

[Risso]

All it needs is for about 5 or 6 teams to go on an amazing run and Chelsea still aren’t safe from relegation. I can but dream….

I haven't worked it out but I bet that's not true unfortunately, as there are lots of games between all the teams at the bottom.

[Dave]

All it needs is for about 5 or 6 teams to go on an amazing run and Chelsea still aren’t safe from relegation. I can but dream….

I haven't worked it out but I bet that's not true unfortunately, as there are lots of games between all the teams at the bottom.

F365 did - it's still just about possible.

11th) West Ham: 34 points to 43 points

Bournemouth (A) 0-4, Liverpool (H) 1-2, Crystal Palace (A) W, Man City (A) L, Man Utd (H) D, Brentford (A) D, Leeds (H) D, Leicester (A) W.

Only “disrespectful” VAR stopped us being bang on the money, with Liverpool sneaking a win at the London Stadium. David Moyes will cut Europa League Conference partying short to ensure a trouncing of Leicester on the final day. Cue Declan Rice tears in a fond farewell.

12th) Bournemouth: 33 points to 43 points

West Ham (H) 0-4, Southampton (A) W, Leeds (H) L, Chelsea (H) W, Crystal Palace (A) W, Man Utd (H) L, Everton (A) D.

Chelsea old boy Dominic Solanke to score the winner at Stamford Bridge as Bournemouth’s striker-less opponents notch the highest xG in recorded history without scoring a goal. Gary O’Neil takes all the acclaim and the Tottenham job.

13th) Crystal Palace: 37 points to 43 points

Everton (H) 0-0, Wolves (A) 0-2, West Ham (H) L, Tottenham (A) W, Bournemouth (H) L, Fulham (A) W, Nottingham Forest (H) L.

A rotten run of defeats to benefit their relegation rivals (and us for the purposes of this article) will test Roy’s blood pressure, but big away wins at Spurs (where the home fans will have entirely turned on their own team) and Fulham (who will have nothing to play for) will be enough for them.

14th) Nottingham Forest: 30 points to 41 points

Liverpool (A) 2-3, Brighton (H) 3-1, Brentford (A) D, Southampton (H) W, Chelsea (A) W, Arsenal (H) D, Crystal Palace (H) W.

Spot on – defeat away at Liverpool, win at home against Brighton. And that three points against the Seagulls suggests they will indeed beat Southampton and Crystal Palace at fortress City Ground. Steve Cooper’s side will win just their second away game of the season at Stamford Bridge in that relegation six-pointer. Frank Lampard’s request to become player-manager, with Chelsea goalless in their last seven, will be denied by the Premier League before kick-off.

15th) Wolves: 37 points to 40 points

Leicester (A) 2-1, Crystal Palace (H) 2-0, Brighton (A) L, Aston Villa (A) W, Man Utd (A) D, Everton (H) L, Arsenal (A) L.

They’ll get thumped away at Brighton and Arsenal, who will need to win by an nine-goal margin on the final day to stand any chance of usurping Manchester City and get close against a Wolves side with the willies. But as it turns out, with Chelsea f***ing it entirely, Diego Costa’s winner at Villa Park is enough.

16th) Leeds: 30 points to 40 points

Fulham (A) 1-2, Leicester (H) 1-1, Bournemouth (A) W, Man City (A) L, Newcastle (H) D, West Ham (A) W, Tottenham (H) W.

We know what you’re thinking – this is quite the run of results for quite a sh*t Leeds team. And if anything is going to save Chelsea (because it certainly doesn’t look as though they’re going to do it themselves) it will be Leeds failing to get ten points from their last five games.

17th) Everton: 28 points to 39 points

Crystal Palace (A) 0-0, Newcastle (H) W, Leicester (A) W, Brighton (A) D, Man City (H) L, Wolves (A) W, Bournemouth (H) D.

Dominic Calvert-Lewin to start scoring. The Everton players are booed off at half-time on the final day as they’re behind against Bournemouth, but those boos turn to cheers at the final whistle as a draw ensures their top-flight status on goal difference after chaos at Stamford Bridge.

18th) Chelsea: 39 points to 39 points

Brentford (H) 0-2, Arsenal (A) L, Bournemouth (A) L, Nottingham Forest (H) L, Manchester City (A) L, Man Utd (A) L, Newcastle (H) L.

Pointless in their last eight, Chelsea need a win on the final day to be sure of Premier League survival.

Mason Mount, handed his first start since mid-February, scores a cracker early in the second half to ease concerns, but Lampard rings the changes on the hour mark in an attempt to shut up shop and panic sets in as Newcastle pile on the pressure. A goal each for Alexander Isak and Callum Wilson in stoppage time condemns Chelsea to the Championship, at which point they beg Mount to stay amid an exodus and he tells them to f*** right off. Lampard stays, though. Every cloud.

[Toronto Villa]

I so want this to happen however unlikely

[ChicagoLion]

We have more chance of Champions League than Chelsea being relegated.

[Lastfootstamper]

We have more chance of Champions League than Chelsea being relegated.

It's still a chance.

[Lastfootstamper]

And maybe if it did happen in front of them, some Newcastle fans would finally understand why certain things in football are just funny.

[eamonn]

I so want this to happen however unlikely

Apart from the bit about Diego Costa scoring the winner against us (not at VP as they say, we've already played Wulfs at home).

[Toronto Villa]

We have more chance of Champions League than Chelsea being relegated.

Is it being greedy to ask for both?