NOT The Generals thread

[Rip Van We Go Again]

General krulak here:

1. KevinGage - I'm afraid I have no idea where your washboard could be, probably NOT the best idea to take it down to Villa Park on matchdays. We have a lost and found room so i'll ask our head of security to see if it's turned up there.

2. gregnash - I suppose you would like Randy to raid the mythical pot of gold that is under the Holte End stand?
I could respect your views if you didn't refer to me as a 'bloody Yank' I treat all supporters with respect and I honestly expect the same courtesy in return.
With the attitude you have shown to me on this site, you might just as well have shit in my Wife's handbag.

3. TimVilla - WE ARE NOT Manchester City or Chelsea and have always said we would not go down that route, doubtless those clubs would be hammering in the morning, the evening and all across this land.
We prefer to do things the gradual way, our youth set up are perfectly capable of hammering in the morning for a couple of hours and in the confines of Aston Park.

4. Fergal Bent - The last time we invited you to Villa Park, a large amount of our silver cutlery went missing, we would like it back.

5. Legion - I can only tell you again what I told you before when I met you face to face, there is NO SUCH THING as a gypsy curse, you're just very unlucky.

[Villa'Zawg]

General,

Are you a cat lover?

[PaulMcGrathsNo5Shirt]

General, in light of the impending financial fair play rules, and in particular Man City's £400m sponsorship deal, is it true that we are considering Jasper Carrotts offer of £5m to rename Villa Park - 'Vile Park?'

[Fergal]

General, too late I sold it to pay for Emile Heskeys guide dog to have an goal detector fitted.  Unfortunately that money was as well spent as some of the salaries we are paying out to whatshisface and thingymabobby. Still the guide dog is now the best defensive attack dog in the league...

[eamonn]

General, do you wish you could be like David Watts?

[gervilla]

General.
How Soon Is Now, Is It Really So Strange  and What Difference Does It Make ?

[KevinGage]

General Sir,

re the cricket: how many runs on the board do you think England need before declaring?

[Rudy Can't Fail]

General Sir.
What with us being unable to reinvest the AY & SD cash I have devised a brilliant business strategy.
With the cash saved from Osbourne and Salifus' wages from the last month or 2 why not buy Small Heath Alliances ground, i think they were relegated from football a few weeks back.
We can move there, sell Villa Park to some of yer American buddies so that it can be a theme park or something like that.
Bingo. Plenty cash for some new players.
Waddya think ?

General, please ignore the post above. I have a better, far more rewarding business strategy that I'm sure you and Randy will love. It's very simple and for the life of me, I can't understand why no other club has done it until now. It would allow us to outspend both Chelsea and Man City, bringing the best players from around the world to Villa Park.

It works like this: Instead of giving the money of the Ashley Young and Downing sales to Alex McLeish, you invest the money in the Euromillions lottery. Just think, a £35m investment giving you 450% return in less than a week. Smart, huh? I bet you're banging your head on your desk wondering why you never thought of it before. You can thank me later.

[Jimbo]

General, I am writing this from my bed in Rashid Hospital, Dubai. Last night at 2.30 am, after many hours of drinking homemade date brandy, I tried to hang myself with a long-sleeved 2001/02 season Diadora Villa shirt (the mauve one with the nasty purple and lime green NTL logo on it). And now they've put me in a straightjacket (I'm typing this with my nose). I hold you personally responsible for the severe bruising around my neck, which wouldn't have happened if I'd tried to hang myself with one of today's Nike kits, which are so badly made that the stitching would have come apart within seconds of me kicking away the stool. So I'm told. Thanks, buddy. Thanks a lot.
 

[Rudy Can't Fail]

General, can you please order Alex McLeish not to sign Charles N'Zogbia, as he will just be another to the list of our top players that leave the club. Although a very good player, the problem is, like all our best players that have gone on to pastures new, his name is a bugger for the Holte End. We need players that we can sing about.  Gareth Barry, no song; James Milner, no song; Stewart Downing, no song; even Ashley Young, the song was so crap it's best forgotten. Do you see the trend?

And yes General, I will say it to your face. I'm dead hard, me.

[TimTheVillain]

General, can you please order Alex McLeish not to sign Charles N'Zogbia, as he will just be another to the list of our top players that leave the club. Although a very good player, the problem is, like all our best players that have gone on to pastures new, his name is a bugger for the Holte End. We need players that we can sing about.  Gareth Barry, no song; James Milner, no song; Stewart Downing, no song; even Ashley Young, the song was so crap it's best forgotten. Do you see the trend?

And yes General, I will say it to your face. I'm dead hard, me.

..............while Salifou, he had a great song.

Irony.

[Steve67]

General, did you ever die in Vietnam?  Only, I saw a film called Jacob's Ladder and it was really good. A bloke called Tim Robbins went a bit nuts and died in the end.  I was ever so surprised when he then pitched up in Shawshank Redemption? I thought he was dead?

[Louzie0]

Hi General!  Just a quick word from the female side of the following.

As a man of advanced specific cultural* discernment as you so obviously are, you can imagine my disappointment, I'm sure. I was actually completely devastated recently when I found out that our colours (sorry colors) are claret and blue.  Aaarggh! 

(That's what I said when I heard.  Yes, I know, like, utterly ghastly - so last year!)

Anyway, what I was thinking was, claret is not a million miles away from pink. Yes? You can see where I'm going here, I hope.  As a Marine, master of disguise, slapping on the green and brown facepaint, you must appreciate that image is everything where results are concerned.

I believe that pink - and make that hot pink - is the way to go. With the black, white and blue as accent colors, especially on the socks, scarves, hats and gloves.  And snoods, of course.

And General?  Looove the checkerboard effect.  So...sexy, utilitarian and with a whipcrack.  It's the Diane Von Furstenberg Spring Collection 2011 with a vengeance. Respect.

*Cultural - the Greg Nash definition, naturally.

[Redsamurai]

General sir,

Can we have all the doom and gloom merchants lined up against the wall and shot as traitors to the villa cause ?

If not can we have machine guns nest for your back four - let's see the other team get past them to shoot at our goalie ?

Yours

Major S whittham (mrs)

[Simba]

General al al.. gobble gook when eeeh dibba dibba fix ooooh dogger bank sheeeesh bloody Tannoy?

Mrs Wassat
Tumbridge Wells