Heroes & Villains, the Aston Villa fanzine
Heroes & Villains => Heroes Discussion => Topic started by: Rip Van We Go Again on July 21, 2011, 02:49:58 PM
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As you may know, we haven't heard much off the General lately, but as luck would have it I do possess certain psychotic powers, so I am more than happy to use them on the General to get your questions answered.*
Fire away.
* No liability should one of his answers lead you into being arrested and/or losing your home.
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General Sir
Who do you fancy for the NFL this year?
What's your take on the chances of the Arkansas Bumblefucks this season? They've got a pretty strong roster!
I'm a life long San Diego Goatfisters fan myself.
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General, Sir, is RVB really psychotic or is he just psychic?
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Fletcher
Who would win a fight between a tyrannosaurus rex and 10 polar bears?
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General, why oh why oh why oh why have I said why oh so many times?
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General Fletcher - How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
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General, Sir, is RVB really psychotic or is he just psychic?
Psychotic methinks ;-)
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General krulak here:
1. pauliebentnuts - The NFL? Green bay Packers for me this time, the offense is looking real good and the coach is on the money.
Arkansas Bumlefucks and San Diego Goatfisters?
Is that an English joke?
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that, if you're trying to have a go at me, well that's all well and fine, my shoulders are broad, but coming out with slang names for professional football teams insults Randy and the board and YOU might just as well have taken a dump on the Villa crest and the American flag.
I'm not one to rake over the ashes, but you would do well to remember who saved your ass in WW2.
2. Legion - Good to hear you are well, I recall meeting you last season after that meteorite had just hit your car.
Is RVB psychotic?
He sure must be spending time on here with you guys.
3. Risso - I noticed you put the name of 'Fletcher' before your question. It's clear you wouldn't ask me a question about polar bears directly to my face, I would ask you to get your tanks off my lawn and give me the same respect that you would expect yourself.
If you really want to know the answer to that one, I suggest you give Nicola Keye a call, she's just returned back into work after an unfortunate 6 weeks off with stress induced by multiple phone enquiries from irate supporters.
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General,
Do you know the time it takes after eating asparagus to turn your piss stinky? My personal best is 4 minutes 35 seconds. Can you beat that or are you a gay?
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General krulak here:
1. Not3bad - Good to hear that you're so happy with our efforts that you're speaking in tongues. Top guy!
2. Breezebent - I have said on NUMEROUS OCCASIONS that I can and will not get into any dialogue about woodchucks. On too many occasions i've ended up 'burnt' by the local media on this one.
3. Morriseybentybenty - I have raised the issue of 'stinky piss' with our catering Manager regarding asparagus, he's promised me an answer in the next couple of days.
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General, when the real general makes sure you can only brush your teeth through your anus and never again know life without the bittersweet kiss of agony, can I have your car?
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Alright Gen, how's it going?
Will there ever be a boy born that can swim faster than a shark?
Olners
X
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Gen K, with Downing and Young making the trek up north it does beg the question, which Star Trek Next Gen?
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General, what won't Nicky Keye do?
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General,
Will the pies be hot this season?
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General,
Would it be OK if I miss the trip to Hong Kong as my grandmother has died (again).
Yours Sincerely,
S. Ireland
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General krulak here:
1. Mazrim - As the Monkees once sang 'Baby you can have my car' !
2. Olneythebenty - I do not believe that there will ever be a boy born faster than a shark. Let me ask our head of security for clarification.
3. PeterWithesShin - I'm afraid the whole Star Trek thing passed me by, when the first series was being aired I was out in Saigon smelling Napalm and Cheerios every morning.
4. Tokyo Sexwhale - I can assure you that Nicola Keye won't do 'that', no she won't do 'that'.
5. Vancouver - REST ASSURED that Randy and the board will leave no stone unturned in their efforts to keep the pies hot. Randy has a tattoo of a Balti pie on his inner thigh, How many Villa supporters can say THAT?
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Hi General,
Why are the holes in a cat's fur always in the right place for their eyes?
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General:
What is better an owl or a gibbon? Could either beat a badger in a fight?
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General.
Why was the Japanese King Kong so much larger than the western version and thus a fair fight for Godzilla. Also, could this be Paul Faulkner's fault in some way?
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General,
Have you got a vacancy for a programme editor?
Yours Insincerely,
Rebekah
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General krulak here:
1. Villadawg - You and I have been over this cat issue many times, but you seem determined to shit in my apple pie over it, i've clearly stated my opinon on more than one occasion regarding cats, there are really only so many ways I can give you the same answer.
2. TheBentman - During my US service I had very little to do with owls and gibbons, but during one mission I had a nasty incident with a badger that made off with a box of Oreo's. It took no little effort to kick it to death after I caught it, so Badger's are tough little guys in my book.
3. Mazrim - You come out with a staement 'The Japanese King Kong was so much larger than the western version' as if I and the club have NEVER stopped to ponder the answer. Believe me, there IS NO EASY ANSWER. Every effort has been made by our commercial department to generate a viable answer, but it takes time.
YOU are impatient to know the answer regarding King Kongs size, WE GET THIS, RANDY GETS THIS, THE BOARD GETS THIS.
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General krulak here:
1. Not3bad - Good to hear that you're so happy with our efforts that you're speaking in tongues. Top guy!
2. Breezebent - I have said on NUMEROUS OCCASIONS that I can and will not get into any dialogue about woodchucks. On too many occasions i've ended up 'burnt' by the local media on this one.
3. Morriseybentybenty - I have raised the issue of 'stinky piss' with our catering Manager regarding asparagus, he's promised me an answer in the next couple of days.
Excellent just excellent
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General krulak here:
3. Mazrim - You come out with a staement 'The Japanese King Kong was so much larger than the western version' as if I and the club have NEVER stopped to ponder the answer. Believe me, there IS NO EASY ANSWER. Every effort has been made by our commercial department to generate a viable answer, but it takes time.
YOU are impatient to know the answer regarding King Kongs size, WE GET THIS, RANDY GETS THIS, THE BOARD GETS THIS.
Holy fuck, that's amazing. Hahahaha.
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Each new question in a new topic, please.
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General,
Is there anything to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks from reading this? They're smudging my mascara. Incidentally, who should I speak to at Villa Park about claret and blue mascara?
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General, I asked you five years ago when I first moved to Dubai why I couldn't find a Villa top in the local version of Sports Direct. You said I would soon see a shirt flying like a flag from the top of the Burj Khalifa, and that I would be able to see Sheikh Mohammed himself riding down Sheikh Zayed Road in a claret and blue dishdash. You promised me there would be more Villa shirts in the Middle East than meat shawarmas. But here we are, five years later, and I haven't seen a single shirt. I'm beginning to doubt Randy's commitment. And I'm seriously considering cancelling my subscription to Orbit TV.
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General is it true that you can say 'Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead' after six pints?
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General, why have we only signed one player in the transfer window yet Liverpool have signed 4 and spent £100m. Tevez at Man City is available for £40m and I think he would be a great addition to the squad. I really can't understand why Lerner is messing about with my club. I don't give a sh*t about his tattoo, he needs to put his money where his mouth is. You say "action speaks louder than word", well what are you waiting for, sign him NOW!! If you don't it will be a clear sign the club lacks ambition and Lerner is just using the club to make money. Don't give me your spin about the wage bill, Lerner has billions, why doesn't he spend it all now, I can't understand what he playing at.
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General,
I need to book a holiday. What round of the cup competitions are we falling on our swords this season?
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General, why have we only signed one player in the transfer window yet Liverpool have signed 4 and spent £100m. Tevez at Man City is available for £40m and I think he would be a great addition to the squad. I really can't understand why Lerner is messing about with my club. I don't give a sh*t about his tattoo, he needs to put his money where his mouth is. You say "action speaks louder than word", well what are you waiting for, sign him NOW!! If you don't it will be a clear sign the club lacks ambition and Lerner is just using the club to make money. Don't give me your spin about the wage bill, Lerner has billions, why doesn't he spend it all now, I can't understand what he playing at.
B6 is probably closer to Argentina and all, so he'll be closer to his kids. You know it makes sense, G Kizzle.
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General,is the rumour true that the reason Downing was asked to go because he was caught with his penis in a Balti pie and he asked one of the Acadamy guys to lick it off?
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General, why have we only signed one player in the transfer window yet Liverpool have signed 4 and spent £100m. Tevez at Man City is available for £40m and I think he would be a great addition to the squad. I really can't understand why Lerner is messing about with my club. I don't give a sh*t about his tattoo, he needs to put his money where his mouth is. You say "action speaks louder than word", well what are you waiting for, sign him NOW!! If you don't it will be a clear sign the club lacks ambition and Lerner is just using the club to make money. Don't give me your spin about the wage bill, Lerner has billions, why doesn't he spend it all now, I can't understand what he playing at.
B6 is probably closer to Argentina and all, so he'll be closer to his kids. You know it makes sense, G Kizzle.
Exactly, Ger. I posted this 5 minutes ago and he still hasn't replied. Why is he hiding from us?
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General,
Are you now able to comment on transfer and team affairs? Did the boys play their hearts out this week?
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the silence is deafening, General.
I expect he'll be back when we swoop for SWP next month.
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General,
If toast always lands butterside down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a heavy piece of buttered toast to a cats back and dropped it?
And General I think you missed my original question. Why can't I buy mouse flavoured cat food
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General
I'd just like to say well done to you and the board for giving Mcleish the manager's job, and for selling Young and Downing. Ignore the fickle idiots, I still have faith that appointing managers with two recent relegations on their CV, and selling your best players is good for the club as well.
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General,
Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh........waaaahhh.....waaaaaahhhhh...
Oln
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General,
Socks. Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any?
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General,
How is this years kit launch coming along? Will I be able to order a shirt for Xmas? Will there be any ladies shirts?
And why hasn't the Birmingham senior cup been mentioned???
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General, you big cowardly Lion. I asked earlier how many retro Peter Withe armbands the club has sold, yet you have chosen to do something else than spend every hour of the day on this site like real fans. Typical. Will you answer please and if the number is less than a million can you ask Randy to sell the club please.
I was supposed to end this post with a petulant childish remark for the purpose of hurting your feelings but in reality making myself look like a complete twat. But I was distracted by my own flatulence and I've forgotten what it was.
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General
Is it true you wrote on Villa Talk that you'll never post on H&V again because "they're a bunch of faggots"?
Can I have your autograph? It's not for me, you understand. It's for my nephew, TimVilla.
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GK, linking a couple of earlier questions together, does Nicky Keye wear claret and blue mascara ?
...or indeed does Mrs K for those "special occassions " ?
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General,
As I'm sure you are aware, a dog owner has the responsibility of picking up their pet's dog shit when going for a walk. So who picks up the Guide Dog's shit?
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General
I posted something twenty minutes ago and you *still* haven't replied. I'm sure that I speak on behalf of all Villa fans when I tell you this means that Randy is going to sell Villa. Can you confirm? Bring back Ellis, that's what I say.
(can you put some kisses on the autograph?).
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General,
I'm just doing my latest banner for the new season; how do you spell McLeash?
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General krulak here:
1. Timvilla - I'm flattered that you want my autograph, but I can't help feeling that by NOT asking me to get Randy's autograph you are effectively turning your back on the club.
That's fine, it's YOUR money, but it's a real shame that you're walking away from the club at a crucial point. I'm sure I can't change your mind but i'm hoping you reconsider.
2. Tremzvillan - I'm afraid you will always be short of socks while you continue to 'jerk off' into them.
As I told my troops when I was in service, IT WILL make you go blind. And it did. Although it could have been Agent Orange.
3. Villadawg - Cats playing in the Birmingham Senior cup with toast attached to their backs?
I'm really not following this, I showed your post to our Marketing people but they just chuckled and seem to think you're yanking my chain. Don't push me boy.
4. Vancouver - The new shirts will be available shortly and YES, lovely Ladies WILL be modelling them in the club catalogue as you requested.
They are all made in an African sweatshop and we guarantee to pass the 'slavings' onto you.
I would urge anybody NOT to iron the new kit as the logo is HIGHLY toxic.
5. bigad82 - Ex-players jizzing in the Balti pies!!!???!!!
We had a name for people like you in the forces.
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Inspired stuff Fletch. Much better than reading a load of miserable shite.
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General,
Michaela Strachan... would you?
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Genners,
1) Did you enjoy the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where they open a restaurant and to empathise with the chef with Tourette's Larry starts a swear fest? I fucking did.
2) Have you tried the walnut bread from the place in the Great Western Arcade?
3) What is the maddest thing you've seen Stephen Ireland do?
4) Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
5) I've put my car keys down somewhere but can't find them. Where are they?
6) To be, or not to be?
Simple Fedora,
Kirk St Moritz
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General,
Just two quick questions if you please:
- Do you ever get tired of telling people you don't field questions about the transfer market and coaches decisions?
- Why have we not picked up more players in this transfer market, do you think the Coach feels we have enough players?
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General I know you say you wont answer questions about transfers but why have you taken £17,000 from my account?
Also, is it true Randy plans to steal the dreams of little children and sell them to Satan?
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GENERAL
Why have you not answered my question about who to approach at VP regarding claret and blue mascara!!!!!!!?????????
Unless you answer next time you come on here I shall never, ever set foot inside Villa Park again.
Disgruntled of Middle Trinity.
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Hi,
I run the Kingston Lions and last year the vice chairman invited everyone round his house for drinks and nibbles prior to Fulham away, he's starting to get a bit fresh with everyone, I'm the one that sorts everything out, he just goes to Iceland and feeds everyone, I think they like him better than me.
Your best advice for killing him and getting rid of the body please?
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5. bigad82 - Ex-players jizzing in the Balti pies!!!???!!!
We had a name for people like you in the forces.
Marines?
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What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?
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General
Can you explain why Paul Faukner got rejected at his interview to appear on the apprentice? Do you think Nicola Key offering phone sex will improve season ticket sales? What about our Gay fans?
I have invested heavily in Grand Top Investments, has Randy got something similar planned?
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GENERAL
Why have you not answered my question about who to approach at VP regarding claret and blue mascara!!!!!!!?????????
Unless you answer next time you come on here I shall never, ever set foot inside Villa Park again.
Disgruntled of Middle Trinity.
Ignore Her General Sir, We all know that you and Randy have the ladies make up in hand, some people are just me me me.
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General,
My first is in Balti but not in pie
My second isn't in cravat but it is in tie
My third is something you'd take in a club
My fourth is in shower and also in scrub
My whole is a substance of which you can't have enough
And it's definitely tastier than a badger's chuff.
What am I?
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General, Sir why haven't you answered any questions for a couple of hours? Have you got something else more important to do?
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General, Sir why haven't you answered any questions for a couple of hours? Have you got something else more important to do?
He's following Big Ben on Twitter.
http://twitter.com/big_ben_clock
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Yo General, respect due.
Is there any chance of getting Gary Penrice back on the pitch before a game next season please, seeing as we fans never had the chance to say goodbye?
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General Sir,
Who would play you in the movie of your life story?
And:
Can we have a cocktail bar in the lower Holte please sir?
You've done so much to connect with the fans already and Mohitos, Harvey Wallbangers, Long Island Iced Teas and Orgasims are all authentic parts of traditional Brummagem life. I just can't seem to cope - even for only 90 minutes every fortnight- without my personal tastes being sated.
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General: I'm hoping to attend the game against the stripey filth in October. However, with the economy being the way it is, I was hoping Randy might have a spare seat in his plane for the ride over? After all, Cleveland's just up the road and I also missed out on the free coach to Chelsea.
Cheers.
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General,
Can I have a new pair of shorts please?
David Ginolas don't fit me any more.
Yours Greggsingly,
R. Dunne
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General, are you going up the Black Eagle for a pint later?
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General,
As I'm sure you are aware, a dog owner has the responsibility of picking up their pet's dog shit when going for a walk. So who picks up the Guide Dog's shit?
General -I know the answer-please let me tell him!
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General, why the hell isn't Randy putting on free coaches for the Asia Cup games. Has he any idea how expensive it is for us normal fans to travel to the games?
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See, there you go again, General, dodging the big questions. And here I am, sitting on my balcony, wearing the stripey LDV kit.
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General,
Can you bring back the last home game of the season pitch invasion?
I am fed up with this get oorf my land... policy that football clubs have
I can't see what damage it would have done this season considering the amount of pissed up puke ridden middle aged totty that invaded the pitch at the recent Take That concert!
An another thing, its bloody annoying that so called fans get carried onto the pitch by thier dads as they parade round the bloody pitch on the last day, I pay my season ticket money they should bloody well carry me around not some snot nose toddler who hasn't put thier pocket money where thier mouths are and invested in a season ticket!
General please sort!!!!!!
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General sir,
During the upcoming trip to Asia, will Alex McLeish be visiting his old boss in pokey ?
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General krulak here:
Been off the site a few hours, oiling my man-traps.
1. Chris Smith - I remember meeting you in the Holte End after Martin O'Neill left, I hate seeing a grown man cry. Sickening. Gee, so many questions.
I'm not one for profanities, I'll leave that sort of thing to our neighbours up the Road.
Maddest thing Stephen Ireland did? I remember him freaking out at Bodymoor Heath he started grabbing handfuls of his own shit and threw it at the youth team players, like a zoo monkey. Lots of smiles with that one.
'Walnut bread' Sounds odd, I'll sure give it a try the next time i'm in an amusement arcade.
I think it's up to each individual Villa supporter to decide Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong, Randy and I have opinions on that, but we would NEVER dictate how you should view that conundrum. It's your dollar at the end of the day.
2. Villajf - Please give Marion Keyes a call about the claret and blue mascara, but PLEASE do not tell her I told you to call, i've already had to eat a bowl of suck ass because of over delegating in that direction.
3. CBAVO6 - Do I get tired of people accusing me of avoiding coach and players questions?
You pay your money and you are entitled to have an opinion, BUT do not EVER say that I do not care, like Faith no more I care a lot. I'm man enough to admit it, i'm a man, yes a man. We all have to be strong. Strong men, are we not men? I'll get in touch with Devo and see if i can come up with an answer.
4. Hawkeye - You bring up the subject of gay fans, let me tell you NOW that our club is a very broad church and we welcome all sorts of flotsam and jetsam into our club, my personal feeling is that we should have a special 'pink stand' for gay supporters. It's something Randy and I have discussed over Hot Chocolate and marshmellows.
I'll be off line for the next few hours while i'm strangling the very life out of a farm of ostriches, with my bare hands.
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General,
I've heard that 3-4 US Marines are coming to New Zealand. Does this mean we are being invaded? Does this mean our Navy have to get it's rowing boat and pea shooter out of the shed to protect our waters from you oppressors?
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General
Was Barry really off having treatment at the time ?
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General, why haven't you answered my question?
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General,
We surrender.. But there's a nice hotel in Central Christchurch we can put your Marines up free of charge, while we negotiate with you for taking over our country. Sleep soundly. ;)
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General,
As I'm sure you are aware, a dog owner has the responsibility of picking up their pet's dog shit when going for a walk. So who picks up the Guide Dog's shit?
General -I know the answer-please let me tell him!
Kipeye - you know the site rules, no answering any questions to the General on his behalf. Any more of that and you will be banned and have to go over to Villa Talk!!!
Reminder to all - the only person who is to answer questions on this thread is NOT the General - do I make myself perfectly clear???
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GK
Be honest you must be pissing yourself reading this
To everyone else - how long before the media have the headline
"Things so bad that fans now taking the full on piss out of GK and the board"
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General,
It is still the law in the UK that every man should practice archery on a Sunday.
Being an upstanding gentleman who abides by the law, now that you know this will you make the first team practice before or after a Sunday kick off?
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You're right, Hookey
General -
why are gays allowed to vote?
I really admire Margaret Thatcher; how about you?
How do you feel our finances compare with Tottenham's?
Would you let a non-white fight in one of your platoons, or whatever it was you used to shout at a lot?
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General,
I'd like to become a marine but some of the survival techniques bother me. If you and your men were lost in the desert and you had no food or water, would you:
A) drink your own urine or
B) drink someone else's?
If the answer is B, would you ask him to pee in your water bottle or would you take it straight from the ahem, fawcet?
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General
I contacted Nicky Keyes about my balding chinchilla Dalian as you suggested, only to have her blow smoke up my ass.
It was marvellous. Please convey my gratitude and keep up the good work Sir!
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Would you bum your dad to save your mom?
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General,
could you tell me me the best way to grip an angry cat that is covered in hot butter?
P.S. Please don't advice me to tempt him with mouse flavoured cat food. That would be an entirely impractical suggestion, as you well know.
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Faggots and pees? Have I stumbled into a Stripyfilth forum.
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General,
Beans or tomato's with a fry-up?
Any idea on the best way to date bone china and porcelain?
and the biggie...
Who's your favourite james bond?
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General.
My Villa Park Balti pie had creamy white stuff inside.
Is this yoghurt?
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General.
My Villa Park Balti pie had creamy white stuff inside.
Is this yoghurt?
You got chicken and mushroom by mistake.
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General.
My Villa Park Balti pie had creamy white stuff inside.
Is this yoghurt?
You got chicken and mushroom by mistake.
So that's the nasty white stuff in Chicken and Mushroom pies is it? Makes sense.
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Beans or tomato's with a fry-up?
What kind of utter lunatic thinks that these are mutually exclusive in a fry?
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[quote ]
5. Vancouver - REST ASSURED that Randy and the board will leave no stone unturned in their efforts to keep the pies hot. Randy has a tattoo of a Balti pie on his inner thigh, How many Villa supporters can say THAT?
[/quote]
Now that is a fukin funny answer.
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Beans or tomato's with a fry-up?
What kind of utter lunatic thinks that these are mutually exclusive in a fry?
I know, right?
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Beans or tomato's with a fry-up?
What kind of utter lunatic thinks that these are mutually exclusive in a fry?
Well that's any sliver of credibility he had gone straight out the window.
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General,
As I'm sure you are aware, a dog owner has the responsibility of picking up their pet's dog shit when going for a walk. So who picks up the Guide Dog's shit?
General -I know the answer-please let me tell him!
Kipeye - you know the site rules, no answering any questions to the General on his behalf. Any more of that and you will be banned and have to go over to Villa Talk!!!
Reminder to all - the only person who is to answer questions on this thread is NOT the General - do I make myself perfectly clear???
Clear as pigs in mud, talking of mud hows the pitch looking?, talking of the pitch will we have any good players left to play on it?, talking of players is the manager happy with selling our best players and only buying a 35 year old goal keeper? talking of goal keepers will the penalty area be muddy? talking of mud will you ever get in the mud with a pig?
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General if you put lipstick on a pig is it still a pig and would you go down in the dirt to wrestle with it necessarily?
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General krulak here:
1. Doorbell - I have no idea if you are still supposed to practice archery in the UK on Sundays, Is this one of your arcane, zany Limey laws? It's something we haven't discussed at board level but i'm sure it's something we could arrange to have shown on the pitch for half time entertainment. Let me speak to our head of security.
2. gregnash - I fear you have opened up a real can of worms with the beans/tomatoes question fella.
Luckily I can abstain as I eat blueberry waffles in syrup and grits.
3. Morrisseybentybenty - US armed forces cover for every eventuality in desert warfare, we have a 7/11 every few hundred yards.
4. Kippaxvilla2 - You talk about lipstick and pigs as though we just have a magic pot of money in the boardroom that keeps filling up. YES the ultimate aim is to have a pig with glossy lipstick in EVERY stand, but these things DO NOT happen overnight. We understand yours and the supporters frustration with this, BUT YOU KNOW this is a cost issue. Until then we'll be continuing with our eye shadow on an Iguana policy.
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General - would this thread have been locked long ago if it wasn't one of the mods mates ripping the piss out of you? ;-)
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General,
Did the five-year plan go to, er, plan?
And have we officially started a new five-year plan now?
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General, Sir, I am still waiting for an answer to my question. Is there a reason why you are ignoring it?
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General,
I'm a keen fan of snooker and have no greater thrill in life in slotting in the occasional pink, however I do have a yearning for potting the brown. What shall I do?
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General,
I'm a keen fan of snooker and have no greater thrill in life in slotting in the occasional pink, however I do have a yearning for potting the brown. What shall I do?
Not sure what the Gen would do but my advice would be to pot the reds then, skrew back
for the yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black.
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Beans or tomato's with a fry-up?
What kind of utter lunatic thinks that these are mutually exclusive in a fry?
Philistine.
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General Von Bentfletch why have you not answered my question?
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General
When you play Stratego, do you look at the number 2 piece and think to yourself, "that's me, that is"?
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General
Will you ever be specific?
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General Sir.
What with us being unable to reinvest the AY & SD cash I have devised a brilliant business strategy.
With the cash saved from Osbourne and Salifus' wages from the last month or 2 why not buy Small Heath Alliances ground, i think they were relegated from football a few weeks back.
We can move there, sell Villa Park to some of yer American buddies so that it can be a theme park or something like that.
Bingo. Plenty cash for some new players.
Waddya think ?
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General
Will you ever be specific?
Like it.
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General
Where did white dog poo go?
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General
Where did white dog poo go?
Liverpool, a couple of weeks ago.
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General
Have you ever 'followed the Ho Chi Minh Trail'? ;)
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General.
Why is grass green and if grass goes yellowy brown because it hasn't rained for a week or so, should you paint it green?
If so, brush or roller?
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General you have chosen to ignore so many questions, if you are unable to cope please get Nicola on board
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NOT the General - easily the best thread in ages
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General.
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man ?
I want a number and road names.
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General Sir:
Where's me washboard?
Have you seen it?
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General, you have gone very quiet. This must mean one of the following:
1. We are going to sell our best players.
2. We are going to have a managerial change
3. We are going to send our ladies 3rd team out to 'compete' in a cup semifinal.
4. The shit is about to hit the fan about something else
Any truth in the above ?
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General,
I know you don't like answering questions about team matters but I feel i must raise the following
If the Manager is correct in saying we will have 1 more player coming in this summer, then looking at the squad, why is there still an empty space in the "so bad they're good" position?
Say what you like about MON, but we always had options with MFH, Davies, and Heskey. Even last season when Ivanhoe started to fade and became slightly less embarassing, GH acted quickly and brought in Uncle Bob. Now we're left hoping Heskey will come good or Ireland will fill this role - i'm not hopeful about either frankly
I know the financial restrictions are tight but the one thing i did expect of AM was that we'd have this position filled almost instantly considering his past record in the transfer market. I know the club are putting more faith in bringing the youth through, but there is no sign there is anyone coming through from the kids that is bad enough to fill this essential role.
What are we doing about it General. I really need to know.
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What about my fucking shirts, your Generalness?
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General
If you had a hammer, what would you do with it in the morning?
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General,
Now that we have the thinly disguised gentile sponsorship, when can we:
A) expect an all white team and
B) annex the Sudetenland?
Yours
Jackthevillain
PS a seig heil salute wouldnt go amiss for old times sake
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General krulak here:
1. KevinGage - I'm afraid I have no idea where your washboard could be, probably NOT the best idea to take it down to Villa Park on matchdays. We have a lost and found room so i'll ask our head of security to see if it's turned up there.
2. gregnash - I suppose you would like Randy to raid the mythical pot of gold that is under the Holte End stand?
I could respect your views if you didn't refer to me as a 'bloody Yank' I treat all supporters with respect and I honestly expect the same courtesy in return.
With the attitude you have shown to me on this site, you might just as well have shit in my Wife's handbag.
3. TimVilla - WE ARE NOT Manchester City or Chelsea and have always said we would not go down that route, doubtless those clubs would be hammering in the morning, the evening and all across this land.
We prefer to do things the gradual way, our youth set up are perfectly capable of hammering in the morning for a couple of hours and in the confines of Aston Park.
4. Fergal Bent - The last time we invited you to Villa Park, a large amount of our silver cutlery went missing, we would like it back.
5. Legion - I can only tell you again what I told you before when I met you face to face, there is NO SUCH THING as a gypsy curse, you're just very unlucky.
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General,
Are you a cat lover?
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General, in light of the impending financial fair play rules, and in particular Man City's £400m sponsorship deal, is it true that we are considering Jasper Carrotts offer of £5m to rename Villa Park - 'Vile Park?'
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General, too late I sold it to pay for Emile Heskeys guide dog to have an goal detector fitted. Unfortunately that money was as well spent as some of the salaries we are paying out to whatshisface and thingymabobby. Still the guide dog is now the best defensive attack dog in the league...
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General, do you wish you could be like David Watts?
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General.
How Soon Is Now, Is It Really So Strange and What Difference Does It Make ?
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General Sir,
re the cricket: how many runs on the board do you think England need before declaring?
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General Sir.
What with us being unable to reinvest the AY & SD cash I have devised a brilliant business strategy.
With the cash saved from Osbourne and Salifus' wages from the last month or 2 why not buy Small Heath Alliances ground, i think they were relegated from football a few weeks back.
We can move there, sell Villa Park to some of yer American buddies so that it can be a theme park or something like that.
Bingo. Plenty cash for some new players.
Waddya think ?
General, please ignore the post above. I have a better, far more rewarding business strategy that I'm sure you and Randy will love. It's very simple and for the life of me, I can't understand why no other club has done it until now. It would allow us to outspend both Chelsea and Man City, bringing the best players from around the world to Villa Park.
It works like this: Instead of giving the money of the Ashley Young and Downing sales to Alex McLeish, you invest the money in the Euromillions lottery. Just think, a £35m investment giving you 450% return in less than a week. Smart, huh? I bet you're banging your head on your desk wondering why you never thought of it before. You can thank me later.
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General, I am writing this from my bed in Rashid Hospital, Dubai. Last night at 2.30 am, after many hours of drinking homemade date brandy, I tried to hang myself with a long-sleeved 2001/02 season Diadora Villa shirt (the mauve one with the nasty purple and lime green NTL logo on it). And now they've put me in a straightjacket (I'm typing this with my nose). I hold you personally responsible for the severe bruising around my neck, which wouldn't have happened if I'd tried to hang myself with one of today's Nike kits, which are so badly made that the stitching would have come apart within seconds of me kicking away the stool. So I'm told. Thanks, buddy. Thanks a lot.
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General, can you please order Alex McLeish not to sign Charles N'Zogbia, as he will just be another to the list of our top players that leave the club. Although a very good player, the problem is, like all our best players that have gone on to pastures new, his name is a bugger for the Holte End. We need players that we can sing about. Gareth Barry, no song; James Milner, no song; Stewart Downing, no song; even Ashley Young, the song was so crap it's best forgotten. Do you see the trend?
And yes General, I will say it to your face. I'm dead hard, me.
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General, can you please order Alex McLeish not to sign Charles N'Zogbia, as he will just be another to the list of our top players that leave the club. Although a very good player, the problem is, like all our best players that have gone on to pastures new, his name is a bugger for the Holte End. We need players that we can sing about. Gareth Barry, no song; James Milner, no song; Stewart Downing, no song; even Ashley Young, the song was so crap it's best forgotten. Do you see the trend?
And yes General, I will say it to your face. I'm dead hard, me.
..............while Salifou, he had a great song.
Irony.
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General, did you ever die in Vietnam? Only, I saw a film called Jacob's Ladder and it was really good. A bloke called Tim Robbins went a bit nuts and died in the end. I was ever so surprised when he then pitched up in Shawshank Redemption? I thought he was dead?
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Hi General! Just a quick word from the female side of the following.
As a man of advanced specific cultural* discernment as you so obviously are, you can imagine my disappointment, I'm sure. I was actually completely devastated recently when I found out that our colours (sorry colors) are claret and blue. Aaarggh!
(That's what I said when I heard. Yes, I know, like, utterly ghastly - so last year!)
Anyway, what I was thinking was, claret is not a million miles away from pink. Yes? You can see where I'm going here, I hope. As a Marine, master of disguise, slapping on the green and brown facepaint, you must appreciate that image is everything where results are concerned.
I believe that pink - and make that hot pink - is the way to go. With the black, white and blue as accent colors, especially on the socks, scarves, hats and gloves. And snoods, of course.
And General? Looove the checkerboard effect. So...sexy, utilitarian and with a whipcrack. It's the Diane Von Furstenberg Spring Collection 2011 with a vengeance. Respect.
*Cultural - the Greg Nash definition, naturally.
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General sir,
Can we have all the doom and gloom merchants lined up against the wall and shot as traitors to the villa cause ?
If not can we have machine guns nest for your back four - let's see the other team get past them to shoot at our goalie ?
Yours
Major S whittham (mrs)
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General al al.. gobble gook when eeeh dibba dibba fix ooooh dogger bank sheeeesh bloody Tannoy?
Mrs Wassat
Tumbridge Wells
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General al al.. gobble gook when eeeh dibba dibba fix ooooh dogger bank sheeeesh bloody Tannoy?
Mrs Wassat
Tumbridge Wells
That's going to mean a whole other thing to the General.
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General,
I was hoping you could take a message back to Randy.
I have been reading this board for quite awhile, and have learned quite a bit that would help Randy out.
- Hire a good coach, but it has to be one that all the fans approve.
- Hire good players, there are a ton of them out there but we seem to always avoid them.
- Keep all of our good players here, sell all of our crap players for a lot of money.
I am sure there are some other points I have missed, maybe regarding pies or something, but this should be a good start!
Keep up the great work!
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General,
I was hoping you could take a message back to Randy.
I have been reading this board for quite awhile, and have learned quite a bit that would help Randy out.
- Hire a good coach, but it has to be one that all the fans approve.
- Hire good players, there are a ton of them out there but we seem to always avoid them.
- Keep all of our good players here, sell all of our crap players for a lot of money.
I am sure there are some other points I have missed, maybe regarding pies or something, but this should be a good start!
Keep up the great work!
There's more General - when this great team built by buying good players and selling bad ones plays in a game, we should make sure they score more goals than the opposition. Remember, points win prizes!
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General.
If nothing existed before the 'Big Bang' what the f*ck was it that exploded?
When Mr. McLeish guides the Villa to the quarter finals of the Champions League will you do everything in your power to make sure that he doesn't throw a hissy fit and go off to one of our local rivals like another manager who's name escapes me at the moment did in 1982?
What is the answer that's blowing in the wind?
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General al al.. gobble gook when eeeh dibba dibba fix ooooh dogger bank sheeeesh bloody Tannoy?
Mrs Wassat
Tumbridge Wells
That's going to mean a whole other thing to the General.
Ok. Very, very good you Bssssssssssssd
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General,
What the f*ck is the problem with putting up a video board in the North Stand, last season I got whip lash from turning round to view the Holte End screen from the lower Holte!
I know we keep hearing the 'we are regenerating the North Stand so we have taken it down' stuff, but come on, you have taken down the screen that te majority of Villa fans can see [Holte End] and left up the one that all the away fans can see, now if it is to piss off the away fans by showing our goals against them again and again then I could see the point, but with our home record that is hardly likely!
Come on General give us a screen! you could watch re runs of Apocalype Now on it!
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General krulak here:
1. gervilla - Excellent Smiths references! I was a big fan of them, 'Some girls will, some girls won't', 'Stop me if you think you want to buy one!', 'Bigmouth in a sweater' - All great tunes.
2. eamonn - I do not wish to be like David Watts, or Man City for that fact.
We will continue to progress the slow and steady way with a tight wallet and a flirtation with relegation in our hearts.
3. Redsamurai - 'Can we have all the doom and gloom merchants lined up against the wall and shot as traitors to the villa cause ?'
As i've always stated, Villa supporters pay their ticket money and therefore have every right to throw the occasional brickbat at the club, even if they are sub-human scum.
We'll have the last laugh on those pinkos when we finish 4th!!!
4. Simba - 'gobble gook'
the war was a LONG time ago and throwing racist, sterotypical names about like this has no benefit at all.
I prefer 'Stumpy slant eyed savages.'
5.MarkM - If I had a dollar for every time the video board question has been put to me, i'd have 37 Dollars by now.
We certainly would consider an extra screen but it is highly unlikely that we would screen any Vietnam war films on it, the club understand that a great many English fans just wouldn't 'get it'.
Maybe some clips of 'Weekend at Bernies' or 'Caddyshack'
I'll try and put it to whoever listens to me at the next board meeting, at the last one I was locked in the broom cupboard.
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at the next board meeting, at the last one I was locked in the broom cupboard.
You didn't bump into Habib Beye by any chance?
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at the next board meeting, at the last one I was locked in the broom cupboard.
You didn't bump into Habib Beye by any chance?
General - are we looking for a sweeper?
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Yo Genners,
Lucifer son of the morning, I'm gonna chase you out of earth!
I'm gonna put on a iron shirt, and chase satan out of earth
I'm gonna put on a iron shirt, and chase the devil out of earth
I'm gonna send him to outa space, to find another race
I'm gonna send him to outa space, to find another race
Satan is an evilous man,
But him can't chocks it on I-man
So when I check him my lassing hand
And if him slip, I gaan with him hand
That's Maximillian Romeo, of course.
How many men (or Satan-like creatures) have you checked with your lassing hand, Sir? And do you agree with Max on the importance of an ironed (or iron) shirt in such circumstances?
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err. Very nice. Thanks
What has it got to do with the broom cupboard?
Which is of course our own equivalent of the Anfield "boot room".
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General,
Did you keep your flak jacket when you retired from the Marines and do you wear it once a week when you cruise through the remaining websites that maintain a thread of contact between your good self and us fickle fans ?
Which do you prefer, banging your head against a brick wall or arguing with fools ? If you are a non execuitive director who is not getting paid for services to AVFC is it reasonable to ask why you subject yourself to the torrid abuse that you receive?
If you were a Russian you would be awarded a Hero of the Russian Federation Award and that would qualify you to moonlight for Chelsea as their web linkman between Abramovich and the fans and while they have their current manager you could still say that you are still working for Villa and probably get paid a lot of money and not have to think about what answer to give when the oft repeated question comes in "What is the new 5 year Plan now that the old one ended in failure?" Of course the 5 year plan was well known in Russia and it failed every year but the Old Regime of people like Brezhnev used to pretend that all was well within the Soviet Union and come up with quotes like "We should not pour muck on ourselves."
Hmmmmm come to think of it that reminds me a lot of pig wrestling....
Funnily enough Brezhnev strangely also said that "God will not forgive us if we fail." Do you think that Brezhnev had ever met any Villa fans ? We Villa fans seem to have a lot in common with Brezhnev's God.....
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What's happened to the generals thread has it gone for good?
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No point in having it.
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No point in having it.
After seeing the shite he's put on VT i'm inclined to agree.
He claimed we'd finish 4th and then said he'd pressed the wrong key, he meant 5th.
Plus all the bullshit about 'wait till you see what McLeish can do with some proper backing', 'Randys actions will speak louder than words in the next 2 weeks' etc, etc. ZZzzzzzzzzzzz.
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No point in having it.
After seeing the shite he's put on VT i'm inclined to agree.
He claimed we'd finish 4th and then said he'd pressed the wrong key, he meant 5th.
Plus all the bullshit about 'wait till you see what McLeish can do with some proper backing', 'Randys actions will speak louder than words in the next 2 weeks' etc, etc.
ZZzzzzzzzzzzz. Good line, more Zzzzz's are needed to get us through these dark times.
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My reading of it was he realised the gig was up. Plus we have less "tame" moderators on here who are more than willing to let people have their say and are less willing to blow smoke up his ass than the Villatalk lot.
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My reading of it was he realised the gig was up. Plus we have less "tame" moderators on here who are more than willing to let people have their say and are less willing to blow smoke up his ass than the Villatalk lot.
I'll take that as a compliment.
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It was meant as one. :0)
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No point in having it.
Have any mods asked him what the score is? What happens if he tries to post but can't find his thread?
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General,
Are you reading your thread on here but deliberately choosing not to answer any of the questions?. Earlier tonight you answered eleven questions in one reply on Villa Talk. ( I think most level headed people would accept your comment that you don't have as much time on your hands as you did before, by the way). Having read the questions put to you on VT, the ones on here haven't been any more demanding. Has someone on here particularly upset you in some way?.
If you've no intention of replying to anyone on here, can you just put one post on to that effect please, so we can all stop wasting our time?,
Thanks.
I agree with this. General, Sir, you specifically requested that we reopen this thread on 7th July but have not posted a single comment or answer here although contributions have been posted on other sites. If the inane ramblings of madirishvillain have put you off, please be assured that he has been summarily dismissed.
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My reading of it was he realised the gig was up. Plus we have less "tame" moderators on here who are more than willing to let people have their say and are less willing to blow smoke up his ass than the Villatalk lot.
To be fair to the mods on VillaSquawk, they're letting people have their say in his thread over there.
I feel sorry for the general, really, he's in a tricky situation where he has to say something and be positive, when there's nothing sufficiently positive to say.
There also doesn't seem to be a settled line followed by the club PR (manager says ninth, General says 4th, chairman just talks financial performance) so it all looks a bit inconsistent. He's clearly going to be somewhat out of the loop now, he's the other side if the Atlantic and has a full time job again.
I'd also say that, good idea though this line of communication obviously was, it was always going to be like this the first time things went seriously wrong.
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My reading of it was he realised the gig was up. Plus we have less "tame" moderators on here who are more than willing to let people have their say and are less willing to blow smoke up his ass than the Villatalk lot.
To be fair to the mods on VillaSquawk, they're letting people have their say in his thread over there.
I feel sorry for the general, really, he's in a tricky situation where he has to say something and be positive, when there's nothing sufficiently positive to say.
There also doesn't seem to be a settled line followed by the club PR (manager says ninth, General says 4th, chairman just talks financial performance) so it all looks a bit inconsistent. He's clearly going to be somewhat out of the loop now, he's the other side if the Atlantic and has a full time job again.
I'd also say that, good idea though this line of communication obviously was, it was always going to be like this the first time things went seriously wrong.
Have always felt honesty to be the best policy.
Say it as it is, lower our expectations, but put a positive spin on the end.
As you say though there seems to be no consistency at the moment. Lets hope they realise that and correct asap.
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Shame really as it was a good source of information. It seems when we have faced difficult situations though the thread hasn't been much use. Fans taking quite an aggressive tone, and the General not really giving the frank, honest answers he's given in more trivial matters.
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Since the General has enjoyed using pig aphorisms in the past, I wonder whether the General has considered the following one when he tries to convince us of a fourth place finish... oooops sorry I meant to type 5th !
"There is no point teaching a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
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I take it you haven't seen lady gaga then.
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I take it you haven't seen lady gaga then.
excellent D.boy, excellent.
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I take it you haven't seen lady gaga then.
While we are porking fun at Lady Gaga she is oinking all the way to the Bank. Bizarrely enough I happen to like Lady Gaga. She is something that our midfield isn't, very creative and able to make a lot out of nothing.
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I like this take on her:
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General Krulak here:
Word up mothas, aint you bitches watching a stream? we kicking the wolverines asses.
Randy is one hundred a villan.
Gonna make a lot of dollar on nzogbia next year my friends
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Fletcher
Who would win a fight between a tyrannosaurus rex and 10 polar bears?
Well, the T Rex made the oil I'm making cash out of, and the polar bears are being destroyed by the oil I'm making money out of. So I'd say I'd win to be honest. Exxon mobil all the way!!!
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That's actually very good Adam. Respek.
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Desertion... AWOL... or strategic withdrawal?
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Is he still posting on VT?
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Is he still posting on VT?
Hasn't posted on there for over 3 weeks now in spite of committing to posting 'only once a week'. The natives over there are all asking the General the questions we would ask. The silence is deafening.
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Is he still posting on VT?
No, but one the mods from here still is.
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Lets face it he has turned is back on us.
Makes you wonder if Randy is going to do the same.
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I have it on good authority that the General is currently looking for Colonel Gadaffi. He sends his apologies for not posting for a while. Normal service, false promises, backing the Manager will (not) be resumed.
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From Mrs Krulak:
Unfortunately Charles has had a funny turn and is living in our grand children's plastic play house in the garden.
The doctors are too afraid to get near as he has mined the play area.
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From Mrs Krulak:
Unfortunately Charles has had a funny turn and is living in our grand children's plastic play house in the garden.
The doctors are too afraid to get near as he has mined the play area.
V.G.
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He's obviously too busy with his Birmingham (Alabama) uni commitments to speak to the likes of us. Interesting line from him about a third way down this interview (http://www.bsc.edu/communications/news/2011/20110321-krulak.cfm) - something about great history bright future. Been racking my brains to remember where I've heard something like that before. He's also started talking to students via Facebook.
Plus ça change and all that
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Is he still posting on VT?
They've finally given up on VT and locked his thread.
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Is he still posting on VT?
They've finally given up on VT and locked his thread.
Probably what he wanted to happen.
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He knows that if he showed up, he would get a container load of abuse and questions that he can not answer.
I think that RL needs to think seriously about the negative PR the club has created and do something about it.
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I think its down to the fact that at the time he denied that Villa where going across the city to appoint McLiesh, I asked him if he would confirm and respond to that statement with a traditional Marine response of " Oo-rah" and "simplify" and was there any truth that Randolph, once of the MBNA, the ( Mad Bankrupt Neanderthal Assassins) credit card company had given up on Villa and that since he and his secret lepricorn lover MON had there tiff and fallen out he's lost the will to live and shouldn't he sell the club.
After that he vanished.
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Knock knock,
Who's there?
Not the General.
(Randy is bored with his toy)