West Ham vs Aston Villa pre match thread

[Zouch Villa]

Ollie Watkins has played West Ham 5 times and lost 5 times.
So we can see if thats a sign or coincidence come sunday.

West Ham 'ave won only two Premier League games since October so this could mean something as well.

Footy, do you do palm readings too?  Just want to know whether I should carry on paying in to my pension, or whether I can stop and blow it on drugs and hookers instead.

If you're looking to enter that sort of life my prayers are with you

Several premier league footballers, celebrities and politicians make either one of these lifetsyle choices but there's never any need for debauchery or illegal activity. It's just plain immoral.

Thank you for your prayers footy, but I fear it may be too late for me and my dubious morals. 

[eamonn]

Well you are a self-professed "sententious throbber" who puts the ouch in Zouch.

[Zouch Villa]

Well you are a self-professed "sententious throbber" who puts the ouch in Zouch.

Have we met?

[CT Villan]

I thought we would win comfortably but over the last few days I've developed an alarming fear of the sheltering effect of the Chiltern Hills and North Downs and their influence on the prevailing SW wind at the stadium. I am sure we all agree that this will have a profound effect on our players and likely lose us the game.

[Risso]

Well you are a self-professed "sententious throbber" who puts the ouch in Zouch.

I recall that exchange, it was on my birthday a couple of years ago. It sticks in my mind as I had to look up what sententious means.

[adrenachrome]

Well you are a self-professed "sententious throbber" who puts the ouch in Zouch.

The author J.P. Donleavy once wrote "I reprobate concupiscence, whether fortuitous or contrived".

We'll have no sententious throbbing here, or indeed cupping of splenders as suggested by another depraved poster back in the day.

Back to J.P. who wrote "we must vouchsafe the human dignity".

[AV82EC]

Fuck me is this turning into Pseuds Corner.

[Risso]

We'll have no sententious throbbing here, or indeed cupping of splenders as suggested by another depraved poster back in the day.

"Slenders". You're doing Peen wrong!

[Monty]

Wasn't that all my fault?

Just, if there's to be any pseuding around here I'd quite like the blame credit.

[Percy McCarthy]

I thought we would win comfortably but over the last few days I've developed an alarming fear of the sheltering effect of the Chiltern Hills and North Downs and their influence on the prevailing SW wind at the stadium. I am sure we all agree that this will have a profound effect on our players and likely lose us the game.

Bad news for Villa this, the biggest test yet for Emery. Could be time to reprise the Tottenham plan from earlier in the season, but there was merely a light breeze that day. If it rains we’re fucked.

[LeeB]

I thought we would win comfortably but over the last few days I've developed an alarming fear of the sheltering effect of the Chiltern Hills and North Downs and their influence on the prevailing SW wind at the stadium. I am sure we all agree that this will have a profound effect on our players and likely lose us the game.

Bad news for Villa this, the biggest test yet for Emery. Could be time to reprise the Tottenham plan from earlier in the season, but there was merely a light breeze that day. If it rains we’re fucked.

Yes, rain panics our less intelligent players into thinking they've angered the gods in some way. Emery is looking to bring in Benedictine monk Benito Feijóo from the 18th Century FC to spread the expansion of scientific knowledge, but this will only benefit the Spannish speaking players. The writing is on the wall for Matty Cash it seems.

[Percy McCarthy]

I thought we would win comfortably but over the last few days I've developed an alarming fear of the sheltering effect of the Chiltern Hills and North Downs and their influence on the prevailing SW wind at the stadium. I am sure we all agree that this will have a profound effect on our players and likely lose us the game.

Bad news for Villa this, the biggest test yet for Emery. Could be time to reprise the Tottenham plan from earlier in the season, but there was merely a light breeze that day. If it rains we’re fucked.

Yes, rain panics our less intelligent players into thinking they've angered the gods in some way. Emery is looking to bring in Benedictine monk Benito Feijóo from the 18th Century FC to spread the expansion of scientific knowledge, but this will only benefit the Spannish speaking players. The writing is on the wall for Matty Cash it seems.

I’m amazed that Cash’s rather basic Polish has seemingly won the day over Young’s more practised Italian. I put this down to Emery’s distaste for the Gomorrah TV show, a ridiculous way to pick a football team.

[LeeB]

I thought we would win comfortably but over the last few days I've developed an alarming fear of the sheltering effect of the Chiltern Hills and North Downs and their influence on the prevailing SW wind at the stadium. I am sure we all agree that this will have a profound effect on our players and likely lose us the game.

Bad news for Villa this, the biggest test yet for Emery. Could be time to reprise the Tottenham plan from earlier in the season, but there was merely a light breeze that day. If it rains we’re fucked.

Yes, rain panics our less intelligent players into thinking they've angered the gods in some way. Emery is looking to bring in Benedictine monk Benito Feijóo from the 18th Century FC to spread the expansion of scientific knowledge, but this will only benefit the Spannish speaking players. The writing is on the wall for Matty Cash it seems.

I’m amazed that Cash’s rather basic Polish has seemingly won the day over Young’s more practised Italian. I put this down to Emery’s distaste for the Gomorrah TV show, a ridiculous way to pick a football team.

His heart, like everyone else's, was melted by the enthusiasm of the young boy on the Polish advert on seeing his hero 'Metty Cesh'. Young, despite a string of impressive displays, never stood a chance.

Plus it seems Emery took a dim view of Ash making transfer contract expert Gabby look like a pleb all those years ago with that 'tap the wrong shoulder' trick.

[Sexual Ealing]

I've just been fisting Norman Lamont.

[Monty]

I've just been fisting Norman Lamont.

I just think this is really brave of you.