Letter to Paul - From a mate of mine

[Handsworth Wood Villa]

As our web site proudly boasts we are the 5th most decorated club in English football history

I hope our website is not boasting this, since we are actually the 4th most decorated club in English football history.

The Community Shield does not count.

It is not a major honour.

[Risso]

That's just about your best yet Fletch.

[Cuz]

If people must write a letter to the club, why can't they at least get somebody who can spell and is on first name terms with Mr Grammar to give it a once over?

so you didn't understand his point then Mr Pedantic, give him a break i thought it was a good letter, shame you had to comment in that way

[Concrete John]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

Bravo.

[kipeye]

If people must write a letter to the club, why can't they at least get somebody who can spell and is on first name terms with Mr Grammar to give it a once over?

so you didn't understand his point then Mr Pedantic, give him a break i thought it was a good letter, shame you had to comment in that way

Don't take it too personally Cuz. Its an age-old custom on here.

[Jimbo]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

That's a real beauty. Can we have it sent to him?

[Rip Van We Go Again]

If people must write a letter to the club, why can't they at least get somebody who can spell and is on first name terms with Mr Grammar to give it a once over?

so you didn't understand his point then Mr Pedantic, give him a break i thought it was a good letter, shame you had to comment in that way

It may come across as pedantic, but the truth is that anyone will take more notice of something that is properly written.
Any application forms that we used to get at our old place that were poorly written, were immediately binned.

[Dante Lavelli]

If people must write a letter to the club, why can't they at least get somebody who can spell and is on first name terms with Mr Grammar to give it a once over?

so you didn't understand his point then Mr Pedantic, give him a break i thought it was a good letter, shame you had to comment in that way

There is a risk that any message will be lost if the letter is not written correctly therefore I think Risso has a valid err point.

[Chico Hamilton III]

The Community Shield does not count.

It is not a major honour

we must be the only 3rd division side who has ever played a Charity Shield match?

[Cuz]

If people must write a letter to the club, why can't they at least get somebody who can spell and is on first name terms with Mr Grammar to give it a once over?

so you didn't understand his point then Mr Pedantic, give him a break i thought it was a good letter, shame you had to comment in that way

Don't take it too personally Cuz. Its an age-old custom on here.

no problem, just thought it was a bit of a wanky thing to say

[petegoldring]

Or, alternatively, spray COCK PISS FAULKNER down the side of his company Rover.

Awesome! I just spat coffee over my computer!

[Cuz]

If people must write a letter to the club, why can't they at least get somebody who can spell and is on first name terms with Mr Grammar to give it a once over?

so you didn't understand his point then Mr Pedantic, give him a break i thought it was a good letter, shame you had to comment in that way

It may come across as pedantic, but the truth is that anyone will take more notice of something that is properly written.
Any application forms that we used to get at our old place that were poorly written, were immediately binned.

Jesus!! he wasn't going for a job just trying to get his valid message across  I didn't post it for him to get the piss ripped out of his spelling or grammar

[clogger]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me

Genius post - reminds me of the Mark and Lard version

[RickySlade]

Cuz, for what it's worth, I thought the letter was pretty much bang on.  I agreed with each of the points raised.  Fair play.  It will be interesting to see if your mate gets a response.

[paul_e]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

Fantastic post.