Heroes & Villains, the Aston Villa fanzine
Heroes & Villains => Heroes Discussion => Topic started by: Legion on December 03, 2012, 07:03:14 PM
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When Benteke does press ups he doesn't push his body up, he pushes the planet down.
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He has his own brand of aftershave which is called 'Beast'.
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Benteke once shagged Steve Bruces daughter.
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Benteke invented Um Bongo.
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The BNP once asked to join Benteke.
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During his spare time he works as Concrete Ron's bodyguard.
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As a 12 year old he was working as a bouncer/doorman at a Liege nightclub and did this until he signed professional forms.
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When he was 4 Benteke went into The Scrubs and opened up some f*cker. Just because he can.
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Benteke was never a 12 year old boy, he wasn't born, he was a CIA experiment.
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Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Benteke beats all 3 at the same time
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The Sun rotates around Benteke.
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If Godzilla gets in trouble , he rings up Benteke.
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Benteke's real name is Eke. But he thought f***it I'm taking the England centre-forward's name, place, and hero status. That'll learn him to f*** with me.
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His cock is longer than Route 66.
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If you have a problem - If no one else can help - and if you can find him - maybe you can hire Benteke
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He has had a court order issued against him saying he cannot travel within 3 miles of Chris Smalling.
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Benteke is Swahili for 'Golden Shower'
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There is no Belgian word for fluffy.
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Death once had a near- Benteke experience.
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Benteke's the daddy rairnd 'ere.
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Can we not just do find-and-replace on either the Vlaar or Milner threads?
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Benteke scared dave so much that he shit it rather than post, lest he upset Benteke.
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Graphene was a discovery made from benteke's molecular structure.
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Killjoy alert!
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I added loads of these to the #bentekefacts feed on Twitter. Here's a few I created earlier:
Benteke won the Great Belgian Bake-Off. His winning cake, a Belgian Bun, was just a pic of his arse.
Lambert bought Benteke because 'eke' is Belgian for 'You're dropped'.
The Mirror described Benteke's goal against Serbia as a tap-in. The journalist responsible is now in Witness Protection.
Benteke is in the new Bond film. It's only fair, since 'Skyfall' is his nickname.
Benteke unwinds by doing sudoku. Only his has to fit 10 numbers into 9 squares.
Benteke's shower has two settings: 'piping hot' and 'hot enough to explode a xenomorph'.
Benteke took a daytrip to the Giant's Causeway. Took one look and said 'Is it at the end of this path?
Ben Ten used to be called 'Benteke', but they changed it as the name kept blowing up people's tellies.
Benteke once successfully bought something from Tubbs' and Edward's shop in League of Gents.
Benteke drinks Um Bongo, appreciating the irony. But nobody has dared sing the song to him yet.
Benteke is such a beast he has to dress on both sides to accommodate his ladykiller.
Only one thing scares Christian Benteke: that one day he'll wake up and he won't be Christian Benteke.
Benteke has all the Blackadders on video. There's no point buying the DVDs as his machine plays whatever he wants.
The Sopranos ends with that enigmatic cut because Benteke went to watch a filming and yawned at that exact point.
Part of Benteke's deal is that the North Stand gets redeveloped. Not for fans, but a dressing room for him and Vlaar.
Benteke's pet cat is currently in quarantine. The Sphinx is being flown over as a temporary replacement.
Benteke's copy of 'The Dark Knight Rises' has a subtitle: "Gaylords have a bitch fight in pussy costumes."
Benteke is so badass, he'll stop that annoying wind that gives Stoke home advantage.
Hurricane Isaac was going to be called Hurricane Benteke, until the US sheepishly realised how disrespectful that was.
The reason it took so long to announce Benteke is because he kept ripping the shirt they gave him to pose with.
Benteke has not been given a squad number; he will just carry an aura of invincibility around instead.
Belgium is now known as 'The High Countries' now Benteke has left for the UK.
Benteke has Reggae Reggae Sauce on his cornflakes. Cornflakes made of titanium.
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Benteke got pulled over for speeding once.
Fortunately, the copper got away with just a warning.
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Hurricane Sandy was caused by Benteke sneezing.
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Benteke always gets road head when he drives, even when he's the only one in the car.
...
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Benteke's autograph has been shortlisted for this year's Turner Prize.
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Benteke built the Pyramids in Giza, single handedly, without sleep for 16 days and without wearing gloves.
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Superman wears Benteke pajamas
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Benteke is so powerful and strong which NFL, NBA, MMF, World Strongest man competition and Boxing organisation ban him from their sport to give a level playing field.
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When Benteke shook hands with Prince William, Kate Middleton got pregnant.
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George Osborne pays Benteke's tax.
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as do Starbucks and Amazon
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Benteke drinks Powerthirst
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Ghosts often sit round a fire late at night and tell haunting tales of Christian Benteke
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Benteke scores when he wants.
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Benteke's guitar amplifier goes up to 11 1/2.
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Don't make him angry...
You won't like him when he's angry....
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He's considering changing his name to Messieke.
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When Benteke shook hands with Prince William, Kate Middleton got pregnant.
Thats the winner for me. Brilliant.
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Benteke is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
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When the new NASA rover landed on Mars, it found some graffiti saying "Benteke was here!"
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Benteke is the fifth horseman of the apocalypse
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A Seven Nation Army couldn't hold Benteke back.
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If Benteke fell in a deserted forest you would hear it.
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If you look very carefully you can just about spot him on the grassy knoll!
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Benteke is a regular contributor to top tips in Viz.
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Benteke has a wallet with 'Bad Motherfucker' on it.
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Have you seen the Stig and Benteke in the same room at the same time?
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Benteke has won all the Golden Boots ever, the awards ceremony is purely for the closest runners up.
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Benteke is the only man to have headlined Creamfields, Glastonbury, Reading, T in the Park, Hammerfest, Isle of Wight and St Albans International Organ Festival.
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Bentekes main Past Times are Crochet and Flower Arranging- Pussy
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Bentekes main Past Times are Crochet and Flower Arranging- Pussy
Indeed - the ladies say they find the sensation quite pleasing.
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Benteke has a Penis as big as a Giraffes neck.
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Benteke threw Steve Hodge into a volcano when he heard about Hodge's betrayal. If he ever leaves Villa he fears the next guy we do a thread like this about will throw him into a volcano.
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Whenever Benteke flies a plane, God is his co-pilot.
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Christian Benteke is the one who knocks
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Benteke is not bothered by Kryptonite, he eats it for breakfast while stating that Superman is a pussy
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Benteke will not allow Match Of The Day to enter any of his goals in the Goal Of The Month competitions as he believes it's unfair to the other nominees.
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"Lord Nelson! Lord Beaverbrook! Sir Winston Churchill! Sir Anthony Eden! Clement Attlee! Henry Cooper! Lady Diana! Maggie Thatcher - can you hear me, Maggie Thatcher! Benteke gives one hell of a beating! Benteke gives one hell of a beating!"
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Desperate Dan can lift a cow with one hand. Benteke can lift Desperate Dan lifting a cow with one hand, with one finger.
The pillow on Desperate Dan's (reinforced) bed is filled with building rubble. Benteke doesn't do sleepovers.
Desperate Dan's beard is so tough he shaves with a blowtorch. Benteke doesn't shave out of respect for Olof Mellberg (and anyway his chin is teflon; no hairs there).
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Inspired by David Walliams, Benteke swam down the entire length of the Congo River for charity.
He then swam back upstream the entire length reciting out loud Joseph Conrads `Heart of Darkness`read from a water proof Kindle.
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When Benteke was a wee kid, Chuck Norris avoided him as his stare was too hard to handle. "I had to avoid him, look away. Mind, this kid gives me the creepers. I nearly wet my pants." said Chuck in a recent interview, still haunted by that fateful day.
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Benteke wears Superman as a condom, or something.
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When Benteke was young he dreamed of being an astronaut. Now astronauts dream of being him.
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Benteke does not join a Football Club, a Football Club joins Benteke
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Benteke eats granite and puffer fish sandwiches for breakfast, swilled down with a gallon of undiluted mountain lion urine. He then cleans his teeth with a chainsaw and meths mouthwash.
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(although I have heard he wears TellyTubby pyjamas).
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Benteke isn't going to claim his Euromillions prize in todays deadline as he doesn't want the spare change
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Lowland Gorrilas in the Congo dream of being as hard and as good looking as The Teke.
They amble around all day quietly chanting his name. To them he is the creator of all things good.
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Benteke fought the law and the law lost.
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God named his only begotten son after Christian Benteke.
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James Milner wears a Benteke shirt under his Man City strip.
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Benteke saw this thread, and knew his path to a 26m summer move was laid before him.
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Benteke saw this thread, and knew his path to a 26m summer move was laid before him.
That's because Benteke lays anything he wants.*
Not in a 'end up on the register' kind of way I should add.
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Benteke has decided that the world will not end on December 21, 2012, because he has said so and the Mayans have been forced to change their calender.
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some say that the bristles on his toothbrush are made of carbon fibre and that his pre match drink is nitro glycerine.
"benteke benteke your the greatest the holte end say
benteke benteke we will be with you all the way"
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James Milner wears a Benteke shirt under his Man City strip.
Gareth Barry wears XL women's knickers under his Man C shorts
Benteke goes Commando
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The big question is do we get Benteke t-shirts like we did for Milner?
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Benteke doesn't like things running on time, that's why London Midland's service is shit.
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Christian Benteke is fucking awesome. Fact.
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Benteke doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
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Benteke sucks up fog and blows it away from where he is playing.
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Delia Smith asked Benteke what he would like her to prepare for a pre match meal. An order of 18 canaries, still live, were delivered to the dressing room.
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Benteke's so good he has a whole religious faith named after him!
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50 virgins are sacrificed every morning at Bodymoor Heath to appease The Benteke.
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The big question is do we get Benteke t-shirts like we did for Milner?
Maybe a Che Guevara wearing a James Milner t-shirt, where Milner's wearing a Benteke t-shirt?
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50 virgins are sacrificed every morning at Bodymoor Heath to appease The Benteke.
There's 50 virgins left in the West Midlands.......nah
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When Dr David Banner gets angry he turns into the Incredible Hulk.................
When The Incredible Hulk gets angry he turns into Christian Benteke !!
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Before going to bed at night the Bogeyman checks under his bed and in his wardrobe................ just to check Christian Benteke isn't hiding in there :)
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Sports Personality Of the Year 2013 is to be renamed Benteke Of The Year.