Aston Villa and ‘The Hope That Kills You’

[Bowler1874]

I was 2 years old when Villa last won a trophy, during which I had no concept of football, so that’s unfortunately ruled out in my mind. From the moment I had a clue about what the game means (roughly 1998 onwards), I’ve seen Father Christmas fall off the roof live at Villa Park, an FA Cup final loss, an Enckelman howler, a League Cup final loss, another FA Cup final loss. Another League Cup final loss and countless moments of “it’s the hope that kills you”.

It goes without saying that I’ve experienced profound levels of depression during my lifetime and I get the hint that Aston Villa haven’t exactly helped. From the moment I turned 18 and worked my first bullshit apprenticeship at £2.75 an hour in 2013, I was spending every penny of it on the Villa and drinking. I’d been searching for meaning as a naive teenager and Aston Villa Football Club unfortunately found me. From the first stupidly liberating moment, getting on an away day coach and seeing grown men more than twice my age, opening a can at 7am… to the post Villa loss hangover and inevitable mental health episodes. I’ve now seen it all as a fan (apart from silverware) and I’m much stronger for it.

Battling with an addictive personality, I’ve been chasing the dopamine high of an Aston Villa trophy, like a rat up a drainpipe. I’ve always agonised internally, ‘just one League Cup win and I’d be happy, I can just relax and enjoy the ride’. A poultry League Cup. I’ve lowered my expectations considerably from the generations before me and yet I’m still found wanting with my cap in hand. Here I am, begging for a crumb of success like it’d cure me from all my worldly afflictions. The art of letting go would help massively, learning to accept a lifetime that maybe trophy-less, but I’m a football fan not a Buddhist. We hold onto any glimmer of hope to the bitter end.

I know I need to at least snap out of the black and white thinking. I’m trying to do that mostly sober, which has helped but has meant less trips to Villa Park and feeling more isolated as a fan. Still, I’m learning to be graceful in appreciating the profound moments of joy I’ve had as a fan, like the Play Off final win, big wins against Blues, maybe taking stock that I literally got to see Villa play and progress quite far in the Champions League. Yet, I can spend more time worrying that we’ve built another ‘nearly team’ with Unai, that’s faded away from too many big moments. Will our squad be dismantled due to PSR financial struggles next season? The worries remain near constant, but I remind myself I’ve seen more than most ever will. Gratefulness and gratitude are wonderful virtues… until we get close to winning something again and that part of me which desperately wants more, appears like a ghost waiting in the wings. UTV.

[DC1874]

A great insight into how many of us feel, including myself! I'm 55 this year so lucky enough to remember the highs of 1981-1982, 1994 and 1996 but I can't help thinking that every time we get that one opportunity to achieve something now, we simply shoot ourselves in the foot!

[Abbeyfealeavfc]

I was 2 years old when Villa last won a trophy, during which I had no concept of football, so that’s unfortunately ruled out in my mind. From the moment I had a clue about what the game means (roughly 1998 onwards), I’ve seen Father Christmas fall off the roof live at Villa Park, an FA Cup final loss, an Enckelman howler, a League Cup final loss, another FA Cup final loss. Another League Cup final loss and countless moments of “it’s the hope that kills you”.

It goes without saying that I’ve experienced profound levels of depression during my lifetime and I get the hint that Aston Villa haven’t exactly helped. From the moment I turned 18 and worked my first bullshit apprenticeship at £2.75 an hour in 2013, I was spending every penny of it on the Villa and drinking. I’d been searching for meaning as a naive teenager and Aston Villa Football Club unfortunately found me. From the first stupidly liberating moment, getting on an away day coach and seeing grown men more than twice my age, opening a can at 7am… to the post Villa loss hangover and inevitable mental health episodes. I’ve now seen it all as a fan (apart from silverware) and I’m much stronger for it.

Battling with an addictive personality, I’ve been chasing the dopamine high of an Aston Villa trophy, like a rat up a drainpipe. I’ve always agonised internally, ‘just one League Cup win and I’d be happy, I can just relax and enjoy the ride’. A poultry League Cup. I’ve lowered my expectations considerably from the generations before me and yet I’m still found wanting with my cap in hand. Here I am, begging for a crumb of success like it’d cure me from all my worldly afflictions. The art of letting go would help massively, learning to accept a lifetime that maybe trophy-less, but I’m a football fan not a Buddhist. We hold onto any glimmer of hope to the bitter end.

I know I need to at least snap out of the black and white thinking. I’m trying to do that mostly sober, which has helped but has meant less trips to Villa Park and feeling more isolated as a fan. Still, I’m learning to be graceful in appreciating the profound moments of joy I’ve had as a fan, like the Play Off final win, big wins against Blues, maybe taking stock that I literally got to see Villa play and progress quite far in the Champions League. Yet, I can spend more time worrying that we’ve built another ‘nearly team’ with Unai, that’s faded away from too many big moments. Will our squad be dismantled due to PSR financial struggles next season? The worries remain near constant, but I remind myself I’ve seen more than most ever will. Gratefulness and gratitude are wonderful virtues… until we get close to winning something again and that part of me which desperately wants more, appears like a ghost waiting in the wings. UTV.

Great post mate! Interesting u/n.

[ChicagoLion]

Despite the obvious upturn in fortunes of the Emery era, we have taken a few gut wrenching punches in-the stomach over the last few weeks. From nearly making it against PSG, the debacle of Wembley , last minute loss at Citeh and then the total shit show on Sunday.

[Meanwood Villa]

Great post. There's definitely an element of addiction in fandom, we're chasing those highs. Worry is also a fairly constant companion of mine and I channel that into spending too much time worrying about the Villa. Over the last few years I've welcomed summer as a respite but I've been down since Sunday, which I think is to do with it not all being alright in the end, like the last couple of seasons before it. I think I'd convinced myself that CL qualification would make up for the FA Cup so had semi postponed that grief a bit too.

It will soon pass and the other guarantee with being a fan is that the season will roll round again and we'll go through it all again soon enough. It's worth remembering that we are all witnessing moments in the history of our great club, for good or bad, just like the many thousands of us before and the many thousands to come.

[RamboandBruno]

Its a good post and insight.
It is an addiction for many of us and there are other habits that sit along with it as well for some. I’m 51 and Ive got mates older than me that tend to have a big drink every home game. It depends what you call a big drink but because I go with my teenage son, who doesn’t yet want to go to the pub, I don’t tend to do the ‘big drink’ often, other than away days, Preston and Wembley this year. However, going to home games rarely involves no alcohol at all and as I get older I’m starting to question my habits around the Villa more. Whats the point in the half time pint on top of the couple I’ve had pre match?
In terms of the football, age does start to impact on the psychology as well. It starts to become a tangible thought after the depression of Wembley this year, that we may just not win anything again in my lifetime. I think I’m largely over Sunday now, unless a firesale does actually materialise, but the semi final is deep rooted I think. I don’t always think about it but its there.
Part of me is glad its over for another season, but I know in a couple of weeks I’ll be itching to get back again.

[darren woolley]

I agree with you I'm addicted to everything Aston Villa I go to nearly every game collect that much memorabilia I'm running out of space and constantly reading about Villa so I get the addiction.

[AV82EC]

Great post bowler. I must admit to spending far more time thinking about Villa than is probably necessary but one thing I have managed to do is train myself to flatten out the highs and lows. I’d pretty much got over the disappointments of this season by Monday morning and I’ve been able to put into perspective that it’s stuff I can’t control so why worry about it that much and hey maybe look at the positives that have come out. It still fucks me off we haven’t won a trophy for 30 years now but if we keep progressing as we have it’ll come.

And without wishing to be all hokey, schmaltzy and saccharine about it, I think Ted Lasso had something to say about the hope that kills you and in some ways I’d agree, if we can’t have hope with these owners, managers and players then what’s the point.

[kippaxvilla2]

A poultry League Cup.

It is a chicken and egg situation. 

[Rigadon]

It sounds like you are very self-aware already, so I say this knowing that you probably already know it, but as much as it means in the moment, it's only football.  There are more important things.  Sorry if that sounds patronising, it wasn't supposed to.

Also I'd say that we are now, more than at any other time in the last 3 decades, contenders to win something.  A few smart transfers and maybe even the actual league.  That's something to be excited about at least. 

[Rigadon]

And hope is a wonderful thing too.

[kippaxvilla2]

I keep coming back to the point that this season is made all the worse by the eventual winners of the cups and the Champions League qualifiers. 

[Jane]

I'm still too much in mourning for the season to say anything meaningful. After we lost to Man City, I was convinced that that was the end of it, that we'd fuck up everything else and dismantle the team in the summer. Ah well.

[SamTheMouse]

The hope may feel like it's killing us, but it's actually the thing that keeps us all going.

[Sexual Ealing]

Think very carefuly about posting again any time soon, StM. That's a lovely number (of posts) you've got at the moment.