Benteke facts (just for fun)

[Andy_Lochhead_in_the_air]

He has had a court order issued against him saying he cannot travel within 3 miles of Chris Smalling.

[N'ZMAV]

Benteke is Swahili for 'Golden Shower'

[lovejoy]

There is no Belgian word for fluffy.

[BegbieAV]

Death once had a near- Benteke experience.

[peter w]

Benteke's the daddy rairnd 'ere.

[Dave]

Can we not just do find-and-replace on either the Vlaar or Milner threads?

[peter w]

Benteke scared dave so much that he shit it rather than post, lest he upset Benteke.

[midnite]

Graphene was a discovery made from benteke's molecular structure.

[Legion]

Killjoy alert!

[curiousorange]

I added loads of these to the #bentekefacts feed on Twitter. Here's a few I created earlier:

Benteke won the Great Belgian Bake-Off. His winning cake, a Belgian Bun, was just a pic of his arse.

Lambert bought Benteke because 'eke' is Belgian for 'You're dropped'.

The Mirror described Benteke's goal against Serbia as a tap-in. The journalist responsible is now in Witness Protection.

Benteke is in the new Bond film. It's only fair, since 'Skyfall' is his nickname.

Benteke unwinds by doing sudoku. Only his has to fit 10 numbers into 9 squares.

Benteke's shower has two settings: 'piping hot' and 'hot enough to explode a xenomorph'.

Benteke took a daytrip to the Giant's Causeway. Took one look and said 'Is it at the end of this path?

Ben Ten used to be called 'Benteke', but they changed it as the name kept blowing up people's tellies.

Benteke once successfully bought something from Tubbs' and Edward's shop in League of Gents.

Benteke drinks Um Bongo, appreciating the irony. But nobody has dared sing the song to him yet.

Benteke is such a beast he has to dress on both sides to accommodate his ladykiller.

Only one thing scares Christian Benteke: that one day he'll wake up and he won't be Christian Benteke.

Benteke has all the Blackadders on video. There's no point buying the DVDs as his machine plays whatever he wants.

The Sopranos ends with that enigmatic cut because Benteke went to watch a filming and yawned at that exact point.

Part of Benteke's deal is that the North Stand gets redeveloped. Not for fans, but a dressing room for him and Vlaar.

Benteke's pet cat is currently in quarantine. The Sphinx is being flown over as a temporary replacement.

Benteke's copy of 'The Dark Knight Rises' has a subtitle: "Gaylords have a bitch fight in pussy costumes."

Benteke is so badass, he'll stop that annoying wind that gives Stoke home advantage.

Hurricane Isaac was going to be called Hurricane Benteke, until the US sheepishly realised how disrespectful that was.

The reason it took so long to announce Benteke is because he kept ripping the shirt they gave him to pose with.

Benteke has not been given a squad number; he will just carry an aura of invincibility around instead.

Belgium is now known as 'The High Countries' now Benteke has left for the UK.

Benteke has Reggae Reggae Sauce on his cornflakes. Cornflakes made of titanium.

[Chipsticks]

Benteke got pulled over for speeding once.

Fortunately, the copper got away with just a warning.

[olaftab]

Hurricane Sandy was caused by Benteke sneezing.

[Chipsticks]

Benteke always gets road head when he drives, even when he's the only one in the car.

...

[olaftab]

Benteke's autograph has been shortlisted for this year's Turner Prize.

[danlanza]

Benteke built the Pyramids in Giza, single handedly, without sleep for 16 days and without wearing gloves.