A song from McLeish

[old man villa fan]

Let's see how he gets on with some investment.

I'll start with a fiver and I'll order the taxi for 5 o'clock at the Hawthorns.

The more pledged, the further away from the Villa he goes.

[The Laughing Policeman]

One from Alice Cooper. And no words changed or added.

Welcome to my nightmare, I think you're gonna like it, I think you're gonna feel you belong.
A nocturnal vacation, unnecessary sedation, you want to feel at home 'cause you belong.
Welcome to my nightmare whoa, ho, ho, ho...

Welcome to my breakdown.
I hope I didn't scare you.
That's just the way we are when we come down.
We sweat and laugh and scream here.
'Cause life is just a dream here.
You know inside you feel right at home, here.
Welcome to my breakdown, whoa, ho, ho, ho...
Yeah welcome to my nightmare, yeah eah eah eah

Welcome to my nightmare
I think you're gonna like it!
I think you're gonna feel you belong!
We sweat and laugh and scream here!
'Cause life is just a dream here!
You know inside you feel right at home, here!

Welcome to my nightmare hoo, hoo, woo, hoo...
Welcome to my breakdown...

[ronshirt]

BIG 'ECK

An Operatic Fantasy in Three Parts

Starring

CHRIS SMITH (Rene  from the BBC's 'Oullier 'Oullier) as OPTIMISTERON PRIME

and featuring the return of

THE GNASHER (In 3d for the first time)



EPISODE ONE


Scene One: Villa Park. A West Midlands double-decker bus is parked in the penalty area at the Holte End. Standing next to the bus is General Krulak. He holds a megaphone is his hands. Standing next to General Krulak is Paul Faulkner. He holds a placard in his hands.


SONG: Tragical History Tour.

KRULAK: Roll up! Roll up for the Tragical History Tour! Step right this way!

FAULKNER: Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour! Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour! Roll up!

CRULAK: This is an imprecation.

FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour.

CRULAK: Support our teen sensations.


Faulkner holds up a placard saying 'Imagine what he could do with the backing of the board'.


FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour!

CRULAK: The Tragical History Tour is waiting to take some of your pay.

FAULKNER: Taking your hard-earned away. Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour. Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour! Roll up!

CRULAK: We've got everyone we need.

FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour!

CRULAK: Fourth place is almost guaranteed.


Faulkner holds up a placard saying 'Imagine 34% possession - it isn't hard to do'.


FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour!

CRULAK: The Tragical History Tour is hoping to take you away.

FAULKNER: Taking away all of your hope.


Crulak takes out a trumpet marked 'property of LERNER R' and blows it for several hours.


FADE TO BLACK



Scene Two: The basement of the Meeting House Restaurant in Amagansett. Randy Lerner sits atop of a large pile of Dollars, Pound Sterling and discarded season-tickets.

Song: The Fool and his Pile.


The Gnasher crashes in through the ceiling and then using his Anti-Gravity-Boots hovers next to Lerner. Lerner appears not to notice he is there.


Gnasher: day after day alone with his pile the man with foolish whim regrets an ulsterman's guile.


Enter the Gnasherites. They wear the traditional uniform of the followers of The Gnasher - Chelsea shirts and hats that resemble satellite dishes.

PAULIEWALNUTS: But nobody wants to know him.

OZZJIM: They can see that he's just a fool.

FERGAL BENT: And he never gives an answer.

GNASHER: but the fool with his pile sees his side going down and just can't realise that McLeish is a clown.
well on the way to the Championship the man with the muleish mien seems not to give much of a shit.

PAULIEWALNUTS: But nobody seems to hear him.

OZZJIM: Or the sounds he appears not to make.

FERGAL BENT: And he never seems to notice.

GNASHER: but the fool and his pile sees his stock going down and the spies in his camp see the world tumbling round.


Enter Nick Lees. He carries a Latvian goat-worriers nose flute. He plays a solo for 37 minutes.


PAULIEWALNUTS: He never listens to them.

OZZJIM: He knows that they're the fools.

FERGAL BENT: They don't like him.

GNASHER: the fool and his pile sees his side Championship bound and the size of his debt keeps his mind spinning round.

All: Down! Down! Down! Down!


Lerner throws scarves with the legend 'Record Breaking Season' and return coach tickets to Charlton to the Gnasherites.


FADE TO BLACK


Scene three: Legion's house. He sits on the floor surrounded by empty beer bottles.


Song: Buying.


Legion drinks a bottle of beer and begins writing in a notebook.


LEGION: A bottle of General's Old Guff. Insubstantial frothy stuff. As if with honey laced but left a horrid after-taste.


At this point a suitcase containing a horse-shoe, a sprig of lucky heather and a rabbit's foot falls out of the cargo hold of a passing 747. It falls through Legion's roof and hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious. Luckily for Legion the main force of the falling suitcase is broken by his collection of Tangible Drear lps.


FADE TO BLACK


Scene Four: The Holte End. Aston Villa v Chelsea.


Song: Blue May Day.


Chris Smith sits in the Holte End surrounded by his loyal Smithies.


CHRIS: There's problem in B6. My beloved team is in a fix. Fourth or fifth is what they said. Now we're down with Wolves instead.

VILLAJK: Please don't be tame.

HAWKEYE: Please don't you play bloody lame.

AFTAB: Game after game.

All: Or we may fall asleep.



Warnock hoofs the ball into his own net.


Enter The Gnasher. He hovers in front of Chris.

GNASHER: well it only goes to show how much the gnasher's in the know. i said mon's legacy a curse. fuck me mcleish has made it worse.


Warnock heads the ball into his own net.


Enter the Gnasherites.

PAULIEWALNUTS: You are so right.

OZZJIM: Your insights are so out of sight.

FERGAL BENT: We've seen the light.

PAULIEWALNUTS: And now we are your sheep.


Warnock cracks a left footer against the Chelsea bar. It rebounds 100 yards into the Villa net.


CHRIS: McLeish is crap that is a fact. But woe betide your lack of tact. I've defeated you before. It seems I must do so just once more.


Chris takes out his Optimiser Ray Gun and begins shooting at The Gnasher.


GNASHER: it won't be long before mclueless too is gone just like with mon his managership i will reap.


The Gnasher takes out his Wastertron and sets the fuse for ten seconds.


CUT


Chris Smith - Johnny Depp

The Gnasher was operated by Kenny Baker voice by Stephen Hawking.

Legion - Peter Sellers

Randy Lerner - Harry Worth

Nick Lees - Yul Brynner

Crulak - Kenneth Williams

Faulkner - Charles Hawtrey

Other parts were played by members of the cast. villajk appears by kind permission of Threshers.

[adrenachrome]

Nice work, Ron.

I suppose you know that The Gnasher will be calling you an oddball.

[Legion]

My little cameo is uncannily realistic.

[villajk]

BIG 'ECK

An Operatic Fantasy in Three Parts

Starring

CHRIS SMITH (Rene  from the BBC's 'Oullier 'Oullier) as OPTIMISTERON PRIME

and featuring the return of

THE GNASHER (In 3d for the first time)



EPISODE ONE


Scene One: Villa Park. A West Midlands double-decker bus is parked in the penalty area at the Holte End. Standing next to the bus is General Krulak. He holds a megaphone is his hands. Standing next to General Krulak is Paul Faulkner. He holds a placard in his hands.


SONG: Tragical History Tour.

KRULAK: Roll up! Roll up for the Tragical History Tour! Step right this way!

FAULKNER: Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour! Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour! Roll up!

CRULAK: This is an imprecation.

FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour.

CRULAK: Support our teen sensations.


Faulkner holds up a placard saying 'Imagine what he could do with the backing of the board'.


FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour!

CRULAK: The Tragical History Tour is waiting to take some of your pay.

FAULKNER: Taking your hard-earned away. Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour. Roll up! Roll up for the History Tour! Roll up!

CRULAK: We've got everyone we need.

FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour!

CRULAK: Fourth place is almost guaranteed.


Faulkner holds up a placard saying 'Imagine 34% possession - it isn't hard to do'.


FAULKNER: Roll up for the History Tour!

CRULAK: The Tragical History Tour is hoping to take you away.

FAULKNER: Taking away all of your hope.


Crulak takes out a trumpet marked 'property of LERNER R' and blows it for several hours.


FADE TO BLACK



Scene Two: The basement of the Meeting House Restaurant in Amagansett. Randy Lerner sits atop of a large pile of Dollars, Pound Sterling and discarded season-tickets.

Song: The Fool and his Pile.


The Gnasher crashes in through the ceiling and then using his Anti-Gravity-Boots hovers next to Lerner. Lerner appears not to notice he is there.


Gnasher: day after day alone with his pile the man with foolish whim regrets an ulsterman's guile.


Enter the Gnasherites. They wear the traditional uniform of the followers of The Gnasher - Chelsea shirts and hats that resemble satellite dishes.

PAULIEWALNUTS: But nobody wants to know him.

OZZJIM: They can see that he's just a fool.

FERGAL BENT: And he never gives an answer.

GNASHER: but the fool with his pile sees his side going down and just can't realise that McLeish is a clown.
well on the way to the Championship the man with the muleish mien seems not to give much of a shit.

PAULIEWALNUTS: But nobody seems to hear him.

OZZJIM: Or the sounds he appears not to make.

FERGAL BENT: And he never seems to notice.

GNASHER: but the fool and his pile sees his stock going down and the spies in his camp see the world tumbling round.


Enter Nick Lees. He carries a Latvian goat-worriers nose flute. He plays a solo for 37 minutes.


PAULIEWALNUTS: He never listens to them.

OZZJIM: He knows that they're the fools.

FERGAL BENT: They don't like him.

GNASHER: the fool and his pile sees his side Championship bound and the size of his debt keeps his mind spinning round.

All: Down! Down! Down! Down!


Lerner throws scarves with the legend 'Record Breaking Season' and return coach tickets to Charlton to the Gnasherites.


FADE TO BLACK


Scene three: Legion's house. He sits on the floor surrounded by empty beer bottles.


Song: Buying.


Legion drinks a bottle of beer and begins writing in a notebook.


LEGION: A bottle of General's Old Guff. Insubstantial frothy stuff. As if with honey laced but left a horrid after-taste.


At this point a suitcase containing a horse-shoe, a sprig of lucky heather and a rabbit's foot falls out of the cargo hold of a passing 747. It falls through Legion's roof and hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious. Luckily for Legion the main force of the falling suitcase is broken by his collection of Tangible Drear lps.


FADE TO BLACK


Scene Four: The Holte End. Aston Villa v Chelsea.


Song: Blue May Day.


Chris Smith sits in the Holte End surrounded by his loyal Smithies.


CHRIS: There's problem in B6. My beloved team is in a fix. Fourth or fifth is what they said. Now we're down with Wolves instead.

VILLAJK: Please don't be tame.

HAWKEYE: Please don't you play bloody lame.

AFTAB: Game after game.

All: Or we may fall asleep.



Warnock hoofs the ball into his own net.


Enter The Gnasher. He hovers in front of Chris.

GNASHER: well it only goes to show how much the gnasher's in the know. i said mon's legacy a curse. fuck me mcleish has made it worse.


Warnock heads the ball into his own net.


Enter the Gnasherites.

PAULIEWALNUTS: You are so right.

OZZJIM: Your insights are so out of sight.

FERGAL BENT: We've seen the light.

PAULIEWALNUTS: And now we are your sheep.


Warnock cracks a left footer against the Chelsea bar. It rebounds 100 yards into the Villa net.


CHRIS: McLeish is crap that is a fact. But woe betide your lack of tact. I've defeated you before. It seems I must do so just once more.


Chris takes out his Optimiser Ray Gun and begins shooting at The Gnasher.


GNASHER: it won't be long before mclueless too is gone just like with mon his managership i will reap.


The Gnasher takes out his Wastertron and sets the fuse for ten seconds.


CUT


Chris Smith - Johnny Depp

The Gnasher was operated by Kenny Baker voice by Stephen Hawking.

Legion - Peter Sellers

Randy Lerner - Harry Worth

Nick Lees - Yul Brynner

Crulak - Kenneth Williams

Faulkner - Charles Hawtrey

Other parts were played by members of the cast. villajk appears by kind permission of Threshers.

Brilliant.  And fame at last.  Good advertising for Threshers there.  Mind you, I get the bulk of my wine from Tescos or Makro.

[Louzie0]

One from Alice Cooper. And no words changed or added.

Welcome to my nightmare, I think you're gonna like it, I think you're gonna feel you belong.
A nocturnal vacation, unnecessary sedation, you want to feel at home 'cause you belong.
Welcome to my nightmare whoa, ho, ho, ho...

I vote for this - operatic Alice at his best captures the mood.

[hawkeye]

i don't care why he's leaving or where he's gonna go
i guess he's got his reasons, but i just don't wanna know
'cuz for a season now we've been putting up with Alex
Alex who the fuck is Alex?

Playing shit football and not creating a chance,
tell him how we feel, maybe we get a second chance;
I cant wait to be  getting rid of Alex

Alex who the fuck is Alex?

Who the fuck is Alex?
Who the fuck is Aliex
Who the fuck is Alex?
It's Alex
It's Alex

Who the fuck is Alex?
Who the fuck is Alex?
Who the fuck is Alex?

[tomd2103]

Judging by this, he doesn't have much of a singing career ahead of him either:

[Rip Van We Go Again]

the perfect song that completely encapsulates McLeish's reign.

[Glenn Peen]

I was doing a man's cry last night while watching my favourite episode of Homes Under the Hammer and thinking about all the boys at the weekend when I came up with this song for Alex. Sing it loud and proud to the tune of BBC's Top Gear (not the one on Dave)

Get behind the boys and that man called Alex McLeish.
Now is not the time to be sad or to be angry.
As I said on a recent visit to Villa Park, "You must use the right
channels to expose those organisations that go out for a dirty touch."
I shouted at Randy Lerner: "Should You Combine Your Personal and
Business Social Media Identities?"
He turned and cried, before whispering something in Polish.
He was quietly fuming at passive aggressive nonsense. Is that passive
aggressive? Ooh, how meta.
So, I went to the VIP lounge in the Trinity Road stand and got my King
Sausage out.
"Phwaaang," went my King Sausage, as it hit several Villa legends in the face.
"This is utter bollocks," said DJ Tony Blackburn, while flicking the
litttle ball on his RIM BlackBerry.
"Intense pleasure, intense," he moaned, before leaving the room to
retire to the toilet for a man's shit.
That's when I realised something was wrong. I could smell eggs and I
looked round to see a couple of the gang - Legion, Woodhall and Risso
- cooking a fry-up.
Lerner got right in there, polishing off the eggs before going big for
the waffles. "Tits and piss," I shouted, before turning round and
licking my little end.
It was what Ken Bruce and Stuart Gray would have wanted.

[KevinGage]

Inspired work Glenn, as always.

[ronshirt]

BIG 'ECK


EPISODE TWO


Scene Five: Dave W's house.


Song: The Muppet Must Go.


Dave W is going through the letters to H&V. He reads them aloud to DC5 (who has popped round to borrow a cup of tranquilizers) and villajk (who has popped round to open a bottle of wine).

DAVE W: 'Let's all sit down and work up a letter to describe the very fucked-off way we all feel. Dear Mr Lerner, he's worse than Billy McNeill. Say that you know the muppet must go'.

DC5: Oh not again.

DAVE W: 'Let's all stand up and march to a demo so that inner doubts and fears are revealed. We'd never thought we'd miss Martin O'Neill. This is worse than Doc Jo. The muppet must go'.

villajk opens a bottle of Macro House Special.


Fade to Black



Scene Six: Villa Park.


Song: I Am The Ostrich.


Alex McLeish has superglued himself to the home bench in preparation for the next day's match.


MCLEISH: I'm Big 'Eck. So get to feck. I'm sitting here 'til I get my big fat pay off check.
                See how I'll run with a thank you to the bank you'll see me fly. I'm crying.
                Sitting on a ticking time-bomb waiting for the bang to come.
                Richard fat-arsed pie man Martin's bloody my man.
                Man you wouldn't let it lie you let your face grow long.
                I am the 'Eck Man.
                They are the 'Eck Men.
                I am the Ostrich.
                Och Aye the Noo.

                Sitting on a bench just playing for a nil-nil draw.
                If their side's Elite we try to keep it down to three or four.
               

Enter the Gnasherites.

GNASHERITES: Oompah lumpah you red faced puddle jumper.


Overcome by the superglue fumes McLeish slowly slips into unconsciousness.



Scene Six: The same.


Song: Hello Goodbye.


Enter The Gnasher. His waffle-seeking Wastertron bomb has back-fired on him and there is significant damage to his Anti-Reality Helmet.

Enter Chris Smith. He has transformed into Optimisteron Prime.

CHRIS: You say 'meh'. I say yeah. You say 'larf' and I say ho ho ho.
            You say we're down but I say not so.

Chris takes out his logic-gun and begins to fire at The Gnasher. By using a number of outstandingly athletic U turns The Gnasher manages not to get hit.

GNASHER: You say wait. I say why? You say 'cos. And I say Fie Fie Fie.
                 You say the youth and I say it's hoof.

The Gnasher takes out his ultimate weapon the Circular Argumentratron and sets the fuse for five seconds.

GNASHER: You say hello but I say goodbye.


Cut



Dave W - Steven Berkoff

DC5 - Cliff Richard

villajk - Una Stubbs

[villajk]

Excellent yet again, ronshirt.

I'm enjoying all this wine drinking.  Hic!

[Percy McCarthy]

Some people might say my team is in a rut
But it's nil-nil I'm happy what I've got
People might say that I should strive for more
But I'm so happy with another point.
Nothing's happening here today,
No show of strength from our boys brigade,
And I'm so happy and Randy's kind,
He's got no money, of course I don't mind,
I'd only buy Hutton or another kind,
And Randy gets what Randy wants
But I want nothing so I got the job.

Going further down (Going further down)
Well let the youth team play at an empty ground
Going further down (Going further down)
Well let the Holte End sing and let the Holte End shout for my sacking.

Some people might get some pleasure out of cups,
Me, I've enough trouble just staying up,
People might need some tension to relax,
Me, I'm too busy trying to dodge the sack.
And what you see is what you get,
You've made your bed you better lie in it
You choose your leaders and place your trust
As their lies wash you down and their promises rust
You'll see Downing and Ash replaced by bundles of cash.
And Randy gets what Randy wants,
Given and Hutton and a pissed off N'Zog
Going further down (Going further down)
Let the youth team play at an empty ground
Going further down (going further down)
Let the Holte End sing and let the Holte End shout for my sacking.

We talk and I talk until my head explodes
But then the team play like their bodies froze
Those braying sheep in the Holte End seats
Only hate me because I'm from Small Heath.