Summer 2010 Transfer Thread: B*llsh*t, Rumours & Wishes

[Concrete John]

don't know if this has been posted but a list of potential targets for villa from the independent> some names i've not seen


http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/transfers/aston-villa-potential-transfer-targets-2020807.html?action=Popup

For the most part there they don't even seem to be claiming any inside knowledge or saying we actually ARE going for the players, just an idea of who they think we SHOULD go for.  So not much different to this very thread, only minus the arguing!

[Risso]

Especially for Tangible Drear's number one fan:

              Martin O'Neill - The Musical

                          Starring

                        Teen-Sensation

                        Chris Smith

    ('Being David O'Leary' 'How Green was My Venglos')

And

The Monettes

('Be My Right-Back' 'And Then He Chinned Me')

And featuring in full terrifying 3D

Gnasher

The Opinion-Shifting Robot from the Land that Punctuation Forgot.

ACT ONE.

Int.

A dream sequence. O'NEILL stands spotlit on a piece of green carpet. The MONETTES stand in silhouette on a small riser.

Song: "With a Little Help from the Holte End".

MONETTES - Em! Oh! En!

MON - What would you think if I played at right back
         Someone suited to central defence?
         And stuck with a muscular centre-forward
         Whose goal-tally was less than immense?

MONETTES - Oh you'll get by with a little help from the Holte End.
                   Yes you can try with a little help from the Holte End.

Enter CHRIS SMITH flown from the flies. He is wearing a halo and angel wings.

CHRIS - How do you fell when we're playing away
             And it's one nil with not long to go?
             Do you despair at the end of the day
             Cause Emile's so bloody useless and slow?

MON - No I get by with a little help from the Holte End
          Yes I get high with a little help from the Holte End

MONETTES - Do we need anybody?

CHRIS - We need somebody upfront.

MONETTES - Do you mean Robbie Keane?

CHRIS - I'm not sure. Some people say he's a c***.

MON - Oh I get by with a little help from Storey- Moore.
          We'll find someone or other to score
          Replacing the those who can't hit the barn-door
          But we won't need to cross any foreign shores.

MONETTES - Do you believe you can crack the top four?

MON - Yes I'm certain I could do it if I tried.

CHRIS - So this time next year Champions League?

MON - Only if you come with me to Red Merseyside.

          Oh I'll get by with a little help from the Kop.
          We'll go right to the tippity-top.
           Oh I'll get high with a little help from the Kop.

ACT TWO

Int.

A large underground bunker on an island somewhere in the South China Seas. The walls are covered with huge plasma TVs - each showing a different match from somewhere in the world. Minions clad in skin-tight Chelsea kits stare intently at the screens. In the middle of the room lying on a slab is a barely conscious CHRIS SMITH. Above him looms a huge laser beam machine.

Song: "Strictly Four Four Two No Midfield Diamond".

CHRIS - Picture yourself on an airplane to Paris
             Or Moscow or Munich or Madrid or Rome.
             Everyone smiles as we score the away goal
             That means the Champions League's coming home.

Enter GNASHER arms flailing wildly and smoke billowing from his failing logic-circuits.

GNASHER - champions league heh heh facepalm heh heh heh heh heh larf brian clough heh heh facepalm chris smith monette percy heh heh.

GNASHER explodes and the island begins to sink. In the confusion CHRIS SMITH escapes in small rowing boat. And begins pulling for all he's worth.
As the island slowly sinks into the sea we cut back to the boat. CHRIS SMITH and HILTSCOOLERKING are lying together smoking sharing a cigarette.

CHRIS - Do you want to play my vuvuzela or shall I have another go on yours?

FADE TO BLACK

Inspired.

[Chris Smith]

I'm going to record the songs and post them on You Tube, if I get time between all the drugs and groupies us teen sensations have to cope with.

[VillaZogmariner]

That is excellent Ron.

[Glenn Peen]

I was sitting in the bath doing the Boo last night when I had a good one. This came to me like a big slippy. To the tune of 808 State's 'Pacific State'...

Let's all 'ave a Tweetup
Let's all 'ave a poo
Let's all 'ave a cuppa
Doing the Betty Boo

[Chorus - all together, with harmonies from Mazrim and Jonny Collet]
We don't want no Robbie Keane
We don't want no Bobby Ball
We don't want no ripper browns
We just want AVFC

Love, kisses and a slim man's hug

Glenn
x

[Mazrim]

[Glenn Peen]

Blimey, James Milner looks in need of a good holiday...

[BedsVillain]

Blimey, James Milner looks in need of a good holiday...

I thought it was Simon Cowell before he goes into make-up!

[TheSandman]

Steven Taylor
Villa were excellent at the back last season; Richard Dunne was easily among the best signings of the season. Yet there's always room for improvement - and the signing of Steven Taylor from Newcastle could certainly achieve that. He's apparently set to leave St James' Park following a bust-up with Andy Carroll, and the 24-year-old Englishman fits Villa's mould of young, home-grown players. They may face competition from Liverpool mind.

Bah!

[VillaZogmariner]

Well we can cross Di Maria off the list - he's gone to Real Madrid for £20.3m

[TheSandman]

Watched him play for Argentina. Reminds me of a slightly better Argentinian Wright Phillips.

Anyway can we have more songs or scripts or something? After reading some of those links in that Indy article I can use some cheering up.

[Rudy Can't Fail]

Well we can cross Di Maria off the list - he's gone to Real Madrid for £20.3m

Old news. Benfica have about £10m worth of add-ons too. Very good player, never even on our radar.

[Mazrim]

Who gives a fuck. He's got a girls name.

[Chris Smith]

Who gives a fuck. He's got a girls name.

He's got 2 girls names, although I suppose he might be Welsh.

[Mazrim]

So that's 2 girls. Now we need Juan Cup.