An open message to Randy Lerner from The Birmingham Mail

[VILLA MOLE]

Well at least this place gets funnier the shitter Villa get.

if you dont laugh you cry .......

[Rip Van We Go Again]

Starter...cooked by our Northern Irish chef who was in post when the current owner bought the restaurant.  Trained under a 2 Michelin star eccentric, whose ability he likes to believe he has.  Raved about by fawning critics, but has tendency to pay over the odds for mediocre ingredients, many of which are left unused, and the resulting dishes flatter to deceive.

Mains...created by our hand-picked French chef, who we plucked from semi-retirement in the land of his birth.  Despite waxing lyrical about his previous gastronomic successes, he started to show some touches of the old genius.   Recently sought the owner's assistance in making a big acquisition that should bring years of pleasure to our customers.  Please do not be alarmed if you see him clutching his chest.

Dessert...Our pastry chef, despite originating from the land of the deep-fried Mars bar, comes highly recommended.  Our owner has a letter from a leading proponent in the art of dourness, vouching for the fact that he did, indeed, know him in his younger days.  We were delighted when we managed to lure him from a neighbouring failing restaurant.  Here he'd overseen them going from a coveted award to a closing down in a little over three months.  Still their demise delighted all of our customers.   His cuisine is somewhat dull and predictable, but, as he will willingly tell you, if you haven't got the ability, there is no point trying to compete with the Michelin started gastronomic geniuses.  Or McDonald’s.

Drinks - our recently appointed sommelier has taken only a few weeks to ensure that the promised champagne of February has turned flat.  He has started an overhaul of our cellar, introducing some cheap plonk from down-at-heel Chateau, and a range of home produced wines that need more time in the barrel maturing - or tipping away - and  a Belgium beer that flatters to deceive.  What we do promise, is that whatever you order, it will leave a bitter aftertaste.

Very good Topdeck.