Letter to Paul - From a mate of mine

[Dante Lavelli]

Best thread I have read for ages. Thanks folks.

Indeed, superb stuff.

[hawkeye]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

Top Work

[Ian.]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

Top Work

Yep, very, very good indeed.

[Lizz]

Given postage costs are increasing on 30 April, and e-mail is the way to go, question for the prolific letter writers here. Do you use old fashioned pen and paper and post your letters, or do you type them and send them electronically?

Sad confession time - I am mildly excited when the postman delivers an envelope that's hand written.

[Tom Sawyer]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me

That'll do it.

[gerags]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but don't you now have to lock someone in the boot of your car and drive it into a rain flooded river ?

...Please let it be The Tumbling Bear !!!
 
Edit: Though I think he'd miss while trying to get in.

[adrenachrome]

I've sent Faulkner 5 letters already, all without reply.
I've just about had enough, i'm sending him one last one in tape form.

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-The season ticket holders,
this'll be the last package I ever send your bottom
It's been letters galore and still no word - I don't deserve it
I know you got my last five letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em in crayon perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the bedroom right now, I'm sitting in my Y-Fronts by the way
Hey Paul, I drank 7 cans of Special Brew, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Black Lace, "Do The Conga"
about making a chain across the floor
It makes me think of McLeish's smiling face
When I hope you'll kick him out the door
Now it's too late - I've been to the Stoke game now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped your ticket renewal pack off the wall
I love Paul Lambert, he and the club could be together, think about it
You've ruined the club now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
I hope the ticket office ring me up and i'll SCREAM about it
I hope the empty seats eat at you and you can't BREATHE without me
 

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but don't you now have to lock someone in the boot of your car and drive it into a rain flooded river ?

...Please let it be The Tumbling Bear !!!
 
Edit: Though I think he'd miss while trying to get in.

Top marks to Fletch, aka the real slim shady,  for his mastery of the inside rhyme, but nil points for putting the music of that Dildo woman back in my addled brain.

Aint no call fer it.

[KevinGage]

If our budding scribes need any letter writing tips, they can do a lot worse than this:

If that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

[Rip Van We Go Again]

Thanks for the kind words, it's pissed some people off, but only trying to lighten the mood.
God knows we could do with a bit more humour on here.

[philthebar]

Given postage costs are increasing on 30 April, and e-mail is the way to go, question for the prolific letter writers here. Do you use old fashioned pen and paper and post your letters, or do you type them and send them electronically?

Sad confession time - I am mildly excited when the postman delivers an envelope that's hand written.

Letters = fountain pen

In fact for anything written I use a foutain pen.

[Legion]

Thanks for the kind words, it's pissed some people off, but only trying to lighten the mood.
God knows we could do with a bit more humour on here.

I thought it was excellent, Mark.

[Andy_Lochhead_in_the_air]

Sir (Uncle) Doug didn't ignore my correspondence in years gone by, even if the occasional , '  - ! ? were   
out of place.

It's a concern, but perhaps not a surprise, that the current CEO appears not to respond to the written word,
unlike Doug from whom I always had a reply. I occasionally bump into his secretary who informed me, perhaps
tongue in cheek, that he had a separate file of my rants.             

Doug always replied to letters. He knew my Dad and Mum as the old man helped out a bit on the old Development Association. When I wrote a detailed correspondence giving the reason why I thought it was time he stepped aside, he answered each point giving as good as he got. By this time my Dad had died but my Mum was in her 80s and still going down to games. He concluded his reply along the lines of " Im disappointed with your attitude as I remember your father well from years gone by. I did consider sending a copy of your letter to your mother showing your attitude, but didn't wish to upset her."
When I told my Mum about this she answered "Upset ? Upset ? The only thing upsetting me is he's still bloody Chairman !"   

[damon loves JT]

Sorry, only just read this thread. Brilliant. Post of the season from Fletcher, I reckon.

[The Laughing Policeman]

Reply from Paul.

Dear mate of Cuz,
I don't know why you're writing to me. I live on a farm in Surrey not a Villa.
And in future when writing to me please use my full title.
Yours Sincerely,
Sir James Paul McCartney, MBE, Hon RAM, FRCM.