Emile Heskey

[Shoody]

Pass Completion % of 47.4% vs Swansea.
Heskey made 9 completed passes in 69 minutes.
44.5% of Heskeys 9 completed passes went backwards
33% of his passes (3) were made in the final third of the pitch - of the remaining 6 passes only 1 of them (11.1%) was a forwards pass.
He lost possession 13 times
He touched the ball just 23 times
39% of his touches were made with his head.
Excluding headers Heskey touched the ball 14 times in 69 minutes.
And completed 1 successful dribble in his time on the pitch

Barry Bannan - 12 minutes
Won possession of the ball 14 times.
He made 8 completed passes (in 12 minutes) in the final third
He made 4 more touches with his feet than Heskey did in 69 minutes (18 times)
53.3% Of his passes were made in the final 3rd.
Of his passes outside of the final third 26.7 of them were forwards.
COMBINED his backwards (13.3%) and Sideways (6.7%) accounted for just 1/5 of his passes outside of the final 3rd.
Meaning that 80% of Bannans passes were either completed in Swansea's third or towards it.

Jermaine Jenas
Completed 8 passes in his 20 minutes
50% of which were completed in  the final 3rd (3) or were Forwards passes (1)
50% were backwards passes
but he had a 100% pass completion %
He also made one successful driblle during his 20 minutes on the pitch.

Discuss.

Stats courtesy of SC1Sports.com
(Trying to get more stats on Bannan's pass %, dribbles etc etc.. will update if i can get it)

[Greg N'Ash]

Heskey's diabolical. Why does he still get a game? We've had conspiracy theories involving hypnotism, bribery, rougue sections of MI5. No-one fucking knows.  He's an enigma.

[itbrvilla]

Always thought he was shite. How did you get hold of that player data?

[The Laughing Policeman]

Heskey's diabolical. Why does he still get a game? We've had conspiracy theories involving hypnotism, bribery, rougue sections of MI5. No-one fucking knows.  He's an enigma.

I've heard Emile called some things before but never an enigma. There's got to be a chant or song in there somewhere.

[Vanilla]

Did he really do that much? I have heard of statistics lying, but even those seem to embellish his performance.

[Greg N'Ash]

well there's gotta be something. He's doesn't score, create, pass, tackle. Maybe there's some secret prozone stat that only the managers see like "times opposition players move out the way in case he falls on them"

[brontebilly]

I honestly think he should just retire.

Beckenbauer indeed. Hutton is probably Cafu in McLeish's eyes too.

[KevinGage]

Heskey's diabolical. Why does he still get a game? We've had conspiracy theories involving hypnotism, bribery, rougue sections of MI5. No-one fucking knows.  He's an enigma.

I've heard Emile called some things before but never an enigma. There's got to be a chant or song in there somewhere.

Sadness Part 1?

[Chinchilla Bathhouse]

I've got some stats too:

87% of passes aimed at him bounced off him.
65% hit him on the head and boinged to an opponent.
74% of his first touches went further than he can shoot.
68% of his chest-downs knocked him over.
He fell over with no one anywhere near him 11 times.
He passed to one of his team mates twice (one was an accident).
50% of his dribbles (ie. 1) culminated in him tripping over his own feet and shinning it out of play.
His head is the shape of a sheriff's badge.
His boots are shaped like bananas.
100% of the space he took up on the pitch was a waste.

Good on you, Shoody, for bothering to find proper statistics to highlight Heskey's (non)performance, but to be honest I don't think we need them.  We can all see it.  He gives us nothing.  Nothing.  He is a clumsy, lumbering buffoon.  He's not even good enough for his (supposedly) specialist position (that's a striker, apparently, I read it somewhere), how he's shunted into midfield ahead of some of our actual footballers is beyond most of us.  What a kick in the teeth his ongoing selection must be for Ireland and Bannan.  (Though at least if it's Emile doing the teeth-kicking he might just clip an earlobe).  I'm trying my darndest to support our manager, but his insistence on crowbarring this hulking great lump of unadulterated uselessness into every team is wearing very thin.   

[VillaSpen]

The man must have some pretty incriminating photos of McLeish locked away safely somewhere.

[wombat]

The man must have some pretty incriminating photos of McLeish locked away safely somewhere.

and every single manager he has ever played for!!!! Un-be-farking-lievable!

[ROBBO]

His first touch is diabolical and he can't hold the ball up but a succession of managers have all sang his praises.

[Legion]

I've got some stats too:

87% of passes aimed at him bounced off him.
65% hit him on the head and boinged to an opponent.
74% of his first touches went further than he can shoot.
68% of his chest-downs knocked him over.
He fell over with no one anywhere near him 11 times.
He passed to one of his team mates twice (one was an accident).
50% of his dribbles (ie. 1) culminated in him tripping over his own feet and shinning it out of play.
His head is the shape of a sheriff's badge.
His boots are shaped like bananas.
100% of the space he took up on the pitch was a waste.

Good on you, Shoody, for bothering to find proper statistics to highlight Heskey's (non)performance, but to be honest I don't think we need them.  We can all see it.  He gives us nothing.  Nothing.  He is a clumsy, lumbering buffoon.  He's not even good enough for his (supposedly) specialist position (that's a striker, apparently, I read it somewhere), how he's shunted into midfield ahead of some of our actual footballers is beyond most of us.  What a kick in the teeth his ongoing selection must be for Ireland and Bannan.  (Though at least if it's Emile doing the teeth-kicking he might just clip an earlobe).  I'm trying my darndest to support our manager, but his insistence on crowbarring this hulking great lump of unadulterated uselessness into every team is wearing very thin.   

Great stats.

Not a fan of his?

[Hookeysmith]

Pass Completion % of 47.4% vs Swansea.
Heskey made 9 completed passes in 69 minutes.
44.5% of Heskeys 9 completed passes went backwards
33% of his passes (3) were made in the final third of the pitch - of the remaining 6 passes only 1 of them (11.1%) was a forwards pass.
He lost possession 13 times
He touched the ball just 23 times
39% of his touches were made with his head.
Excluding headers Heskey touched the ball 14 times in 69 minutes.
And completed 1 successful dribble in his time on the pitch

Barry Bannan - 12 minutes
Won possession of the ball 14 times.
He made 8 completed passes (in 12 minutes) in the final third
He made 4 more touches with his feet than Heskey did in 69 minutes (18 times)
53.3% Of his passes were made in the final 3rd.
Of his passes outside of the final third 26.7 of them were forwards.
COMBINED his backwards (13.3%) and Sideways (6.7%) accounted for just 1/5 of his passes outside of the final 3rd.
Meaning that 80% of Bannans passes were either completed in Swansea's third or towards it.

Jermaine Jenas
Completed 8 passes in his 20 minutes
50% of which were completed in  the final 3rd (3) or were Forwards passes (1)
50% were backwards passes
but he had a 100% pass completion %
He also made one successful driblle during his 20 minutes on the pitch.

Discuss.

Stats courtesy of SC1Sports.com
(Trying to get more stats on Bannan's pass %, dribbles etc etc.. will update if i can get it)

Fuck me someone forward them to that Ginger tosser in the dug out
When you read things like that it supports what we all know - he is a liability

[Matt C]

It's almost like you lot don't like him.