Many of you may recognise me from the Telly. I’m Victor Meldrew. Until recently, I used to haunt St Andrews, but things started getting too positive round there so I’m on the mooch for a new club.
Seeing as how Villa Park has become some sort of psychiatric Lourdes for the disillusioned and downcast I would like to nominate myself as spokesman for the
“I Hate Houllier – He’s Ruined My Marriage and Caused Me to Grow a Beer-Gut” campaign. Childish self defeating negativity is to me, as sweet as mother’s milk.
Meldrew - does he sit near you?Foolishly I have ignored going down the Villa because I associated it with enjoyment, laughter, and simple pleasure. Now that seems to have changed into a snarling blame-fest I am anxious to become a life-long fan – albeit one who lives in Formby and finds it hard to get to games… ahem.
In the spirit of misery I think we need radical revolution – maybe even start a facebook petition? Would it be possible to change the name of the ground I wonder.
Manchester United have got ‘The Theatre of Dreams’, could we have ‘The Shed of Nightmares’? Sunderland have stolen ‘The Stadium of Light’ but we could still rename Villa Park ‘The Valley of the Shadow of Death’.
Personally I would rather go with a corporate sponsor – there’s so much more money to waste that way – much like ‘The Emirates’ – so what do you think of… ‘The Prozac Stadium’?
I’m sure Gordon’s Gin would pay good money to put ‘Bitter and Twisted’ on our shirts?
We could ask the street vendors around the ground to theme their offerings. How about the ‘GerardBurger’? An under-cooked patty of tired old French beef smothered under a heap of zingy bile relish.
Or instead of a hot dog we could have a ‘Kinder to Put Him Down’ dog. It would be like a hot dog – but without the sausage. Surely that would suit the mood?
We could make and sell our own unique Villa merchandise. ‘Whining Bobble-Heads’ would surely be a winner – a gurning head on a stick which makes a baleful low moaning noise when swished through the balmy Aston air.
Or how about special Villa Park ‘Misery Blankets’ which though they could be used to help keep the chill off – double up brilliantly for writing demoralising messages on.
Let’s show the world that the people of Birmingham and its environs are more than retarded ingrates – let’s put a lie to the myth that we’re all thick and humourless – if you can’t support the Villa at least support me – old misery guts – Victor Meldrew.
Failing that – I suppose you could always try backing the team and the club, but if you do that, I suppose it’s back to Small Heath for me. Oh well, bring on those bonus payments Carson!
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