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Author Topic: Club announces Holte End closure ?  (Read 7460 times)

Online Andy_Lochhead_in_the_air

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Club announces Holte End closure ?
« on: April 01, 2011, 05:15:15 AM »
AF World News Network   (London/UK desk). 
Reporters; John Woodward & Bernie Stein Gallagher.
 Apr. 01, 2011. 05.04 am GMT
 

Aston Villa were embroiled in controversy last night after issuing a press release to  supporters that the Holte End will be closed for the remaining four home games of the season. This follows the discovery of valuable historic artefacts beneath the stand in what is already being described by locals as ‘The Holte Hoard’.

While this is going to greatly inconvenience many loyal fans, others will be excited by the reasons for the  closure.

At a hastily arranged news conference last night in a small meeting room of the North Stand, a club spokesperson read from a prepared statement.

 “Aston Villa Football Club have to advise that the whole of the Upper and Lower Holte End seating enclosures will be unavoidably closed to the public for the foreseeable future including all of the remaining four games  this season on health and safety grounds.

 “Following renovation work to underground  sewage pipes, problems were identified which involved digging down into the stands foundations. This has resulted in the discovery of  various artefacts believed to date back to the early 17th century. Archeological experts were called in and further investigations have revealed  a substantial quantity of  extremely rare and valuable objects from the Jacobean period.

“We fully understand ticket holders in this section of the ground will be concerned. Wherever possible we will re-seat supporters elsewhere, but with the capacity substantially reduced this will not be possible in all cases. The club is already investigating alternatives such as large screen TVs at other locations. We are awaiting a response from the Premier League to our request to broadcast live our home games in what are sudden and unforeseen circumstances. We have  contacted our neighbours Birmingham City and West Bromwich Albion as to the feasibility of using their stadia for screenings. The club has been aware of this since last Friday but due to the extremely valuable nature of the find, sufficient security had to be put in place around the site before we could make a public announcement. Further infornation for Holte End ticket holders regarding refunds, re-seating, and re-ticketing to TV screenings of our home games at St Andrews or The Hawthorns will be made available as soon as possible”.

The club has called in Prof Kejo Allio, head of archeological studies at Birmingham University.
Prof Allio said “We have so far dug 50 metres of trenches and pits below the stand and what we have found is quite staggering. This is without doubt going to make the Staffordshire hoard look like a particularly  boring episode of Time Team.” Asked about how substantial the find was Prof Allio said “It’s a massive massive find, there are solid gold bars, thousands of gold coins and many extremely unusual  and rare items that we were barely aware existed during the Jacobean period. We are still unearthing substantial quantities of buried treasure, but  what we have found already is 100 times more valuable than the Staffordshire hoard”.

The Staffordshire hoard was discovered in 2009, a find of Anglo Saxon gold and silver which was eventually valued at £3.5 million. If  Prof Allio is correct, it means over £350 million pounds worth has already been discovered with the prospect of much more.

Local historian and Villa supporter Professor Carl Chinn said “This is going to radically alter our views of Jacobean England and how we see Sir Thomas Holte the first owner of Aston Hall. We knew he and his family were substantial landowners around Warwickshire but nobody could have been aware of the sheer scale of his wealth. He was clearly a typically shrewd brummie who  put away a few bob for a rainy day. This is a bostin’ day for the people of Birmingham and a bostin’ day for Aston Villa. Doug will be blarting when he finds out that he in effect let the club go for a song when he was sitting on a mountain of gold”.

Mr Doug Ellis, former chairman and now President Emiritus had this to say when contacted in Majorca where he has been for the last four weeks. “I’m enjoying the sun here as I do every March, a month I have always hated at Villa Park. I was speaking on the phone with Randy a few days back and he did mention about something going on in that stand used by many of our younger more boisterous fans. I keep out of matters now and intend coming back the day before the Newcastle home game”. When told of the valuations being suggested by Prof Allio, Mr Ellis said “Really? Under my Holte End ? You know I personally designed and helped build that stand, I even named it after Thomas Holte when I found out he was a relative of mine. I was researching my family tree awaiting a call to appear on the TV programme ’Who do we think we are’ but was replaced at the last minute by Jeremy Paxman. Uncle Tom is a direct descendant of mine, I will be back in the UK tomorrow if I can find a cheap seat on EasyJet .”

 The scene outside Villa Park last night showed the whole area of the Holte End and adjoining car park at the rear sealed off by high barbed wire fences. A substantial number of burly security guards were patrolling the perimeter, many of them with large vicious looking guard dogs.

Club owner Randy Lerner could not be contacted last night but it was possible to talk to non executive director General Charles H Krulak from his home in the USA. “Randy is fully aware of the situation and is being kept up to speed with all developments. I’ve spoke to our guys on the ground and they have assured me the Holte End right now is more secure than Fort Knox. But I have let them know in no uncertain terms that if one ounce of that gold goes missing, I will personally come over and kick the crap out of those security guards. Dogs,  or no dogs ! “

A small group of fans had gathered outside Villa Park as news started to spread. Some were excited at the prospect of a massive injection of cash to boost fortunes on the pitch, particularly in a season which sees Villa flirting with the relegation zone amid rumours of player unrest and disatisfaction from some supporters with team manager Gerard Houllier.

 Dave Woodhall of Heroes & Villains fanzine had this to say. “I’ve known about this for a few days but the club asked me to keep quiet. My information is that the whole stand will have to come down in order to reach all the hoard, so its going to be at least a  year before Holte Enders get their seats back.  The good news is that with this sort of money  the 5 year plan is achievable, its just that it’s a 5 year plan which will take 6 years if we stay up and 7 if we go down. As far as I’m concerned though, watching us challenging for a Champions League place on a large TV screen from a seat in the Halfords Lane stand at The Hawthorns is a small price to pay “.




 


Woodward and Berniestein, for AF news, Villa Park, Birmingham.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2011, 11:19:15 AM by Andy_Lochhead_in_the_air »

Offline Caiphus

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2011, 05:17:23 AM »
where I am it's past midday so I owe you a punch in the arm :p

Offline luke25

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2011, 05:29:25 AM »
I got half way through the article before todays date hit me... ******! ;-)

Offline Simba

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2011, 05:57:18 AM »
Very good :)

Offline Legion

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2011, 07:25:27 AM »
Excellent.

Offline kipeye

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2011, 08:47:33 AM »
I would have believed it if Douglas said he found it or they had found him.

Offline Risso

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2011, 09:06:16 AM »
I got half way through the article before todays date hit me... c***! ;-)

Really?  I got to the 'r' in breaking.

Offline Brend'Watkins

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2011, 09:10:27 AM »
I thought it arrived early this year when I read the Villa - United thread yesterday.

Offline darren woolley

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2011, 09:31:03 AM »
I didn't get fooled but nice try.

Offline oodman

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2011, 09:43:54 AM »
good job i sit in the trinity then

Offline ktvillan

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2011, 10:17:33 AM »
In other April 1st news:

Dunne refuses pie and pint, opts for salad.
Petrov wins stamina test, passes forwards
Houllier disses Liverpool, talks sense
Downing makes crunching tackle, clenches fist
Young gets free kick into top corner
Friedel claims Delap long throws under pressure
Heskey nets five in rampant goal spree

Personally I didn't fall for any of them.


Offline Bad English

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Re: ***BREAKING NEWS*** Club announces Holte End closure !!!
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2011, 10:37:38 AM »
The *** and !!! and BREAKING NEWS were like painting it with special "April Fool's" paint. But 10/10 for effort.

Offline eamonn

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Re: Club announces Holte End closure ?
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2011, 06:27:59 PM »
I got half way through the article before todays date hit me... c***! ;-)

Really?  I got to the 'r' in breaking.

Clever clogs.

Good read though, Andy.

Offline sonlyme

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Re: Club announces Holte End closure ?
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2011, 07:23:56 PM »
Good stuff - had me laughing.

Could still be true though, couldn't it?  I mean - who has looked?

Offline The Left Side

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Re: Club announces Holte End closure ?
« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2011, 07:45:52 PM »
Nice one!

 


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