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Author Topic: fantasy f***wit  (Read 3661 times)

Online amfy

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fantasy f***wit
« on: August 30, 2010, 01:01:43 PM »
I would be surprised if no-one else has mentioned this anywhere but I can't see it so here it is - a twist on the traditional fantasy football idea.

As there are monthly winners, it won't matter too much if you join late. As it is so lighthearted - I don't think it matters anyway.

Fantasy F**kwit awards points each week to players and managers on the basis of what they do on and off the pitch, based on four categories.

Match Day Performance
Losing a match: 1 point for each player in the losing team, including substitutes
Losing by 3+ goals: 1 extra point for each player, including each substitute used
Most disappointing player: 3 points, awarded by one of our ‘Expert Panellists’
Scoring own goal: 3 points, with 1 possible bonus point for enhanced comedy value
Assist in opposition goal: 1-3 points. Think hopeless back pass, Robert Green in South Africa etc
Giving away penalty: 3 points
Missing penalty: 3 points
Missing easy chance: 1-3 points
Missing by a mile: 1 point

Straight Red Card: 4 points
Yellow Card: 1 point
Second Yellow (ie =red): 2 points
F**kwit Yellows (e.g. removing shirt during goal celebration): 1 bonus point

General Footballing Malarkey
Getting sacked or quitting (Managers and players): 10 points
Getting injured during pre-match warm-up: 5 points
Training ground punch-up: 5 points
Refusing to play: 3-5 points
Handbags (on-pitch pushing & shoving): 1-3 points each for the main protagonists
Kissing the badge: 1 point
Other embarrassing goal celebrations: 1 point
Amateur dramatics (diving, feigning injury etc): 1 point
Laughable change of hairstyle: 1 point
Comedy value: 1 point

Off-the-pitch Antics
Off-the-pitch points are awarded by our ‘Expert Panel’ in celebration of the many Premiership players who liven up the tabloid news pages each week. Points are awarded on a case-by-case basis, using the following as a guide:

Ten points:
Fathering a love child (points awarded on acknowledgement of fatherhood, DNA results or facial similarity)
Getting jailed (points awarded on first day inside/first drop the soap incident)
Getting deported 
Getting banned for snorting or injecting anything illegal, failing to attend drug test etc

Five points:
Caught cheating on WAG
Other WAG-related naughtiness
Getting nicked for drunk-driving
Wrapping car round lamppost
Unwanted tabloid attention of any description
Recording pisspoor rap song

One to three points
Having house burgled while away on football trip
Having house burgled while inside it
Drunk in bar/nightclub shortly before game
Getting into bar/nightclub fight
Getting nicked for speeding
General off-pitch f**kwittery

It can be found at

If this link doesn't work - do be careful with your googling. Who knows what you could find?

Even if you don't play it has the added bonus of fantasy f***wit match reports. I'll admit to having quite enjoyed their take on our game last week.

Carew shows way as Villa amass points

You didn’t have to be wearing a black-and-white shirt to realise early on that this was going to be a special occasion. It started with Newcastle keeper Steve Harper careering off his line to mow down Ashley Young, who appeared to be ambling in a non-threatening manner in the general direction of the corner flag. Referee Martin Atkinson immediately pointed to the spot, triggering a 3-point F**kwit award to Harper. Then it was over to Villa’s John Carew, who stepped up and promptly booted the ball straight over the crossbar – and as far as we could tell, over row Z as well. Another three points chalked up on the board - and we’d only been going ten minutes.

With Villa seemingly intent on demonstrating that, after one solid performance last week, they really do miss the organisational skills and tactical nous of former boss Martin O’Neill, the stage was set for a points bonanza. Inevitably, Joey Barton was quickly in the thick of it, following up on a screamer of a goal (one point assist to Brad Friedel, who really should have got a hand to it) with a yellow card for a foul on Stiliyan Petrov. 

Friedel was free from blame for Newcastle’s next goal, though; he was left pretty much alone to fend off Kevin Nolan, finally succumbing to Nolan’s second header at close range right around the time Cieran Clark and Richard Dunne realised they might have some work to do (one point each).

As is turned out, Dunne was saving his best for the second half. In the 67th minute, he took an almighty swing at a bouncing ball in the box, only to see his attempted clearance dribble right into the path of Andy Carroll for an easy goal, putting Newcastle 4-0 up.

Nigel Reo-Coker was unlucky not to rack up points for bringing down Jonas Gutierrez on the edge of the penalty area – a move that on another day might have got a penalty and three points – and had to be content with a point for a yellow card. In the closing moments Carroll completed his hat-trick by putting Newcastle’s sixth past Harper off a neat cross from Xisco, with Stewart Downing (1 point assist) trailing helplessly at his heels. 

 The only area where Villa might have been more productive was in the referee’s notebook. While Newcastle’s James Perch and Alan Smith followed Barton’s lead to pick up a point for a yellow, Reo-Coker was shown Villa’s only card. That said, as a team they scored where it mattered: all 14 Villa players picked up a point for losing and a bonus point for losing by three or more goals.

And the most disappointing player? Aside from knowing he was wearing claret, it’s almost impossible to say.
By Marie Lee