Scholars at the University of Warwick recently discovered the earliest draft of Macbeth. Seems the title was changed at a later date but the story rings true even today.
The Tragedy of MONbeth
Scene 1 – A desert place
First Witch (square jawed Yorkshireman) - When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning or when Villa play Man City?
Second Witch (lardy arsed Brightoner) - When the hurlyburly's done. When Mancini's bought and sold.
Third Witch (bald Irish midfielder with wig) - That will be ere the set of the transfer window.
First Witch - Where the place ?
Second Witch - Upon Small Heath. No I mean at the City of Manchester stadium on the 28th December.
Third Witch - There to meet with MONbeth. (edit – or maybe not).
First Witch - I come, GrayAndy!
Second Witch - Bodymoor Heath calls.
Third Witch - Anon
All - Fair is foul and foul is fair, unless the ref gives a free kick against you.
Exeunt.
Scene II – A camp near Celtic Park
Duncan (Villa scout) – What bloody man is that? He can cross from the right.
Malcolm (Sean Maloney) – This is McGeady. Who like a good and hardy team mate, fought 'gainst my captivity at Villa Park three season ago. Hail brave friend! Say to the king thy knowledge of being a winger or maybe a wide midfield player as thou dost leave Scotland.
McGeady – The merciless MacDonald, worthy to be a caretaker manager, for to that the multiplying Villanies of nature do swarm upon him, from the West Midlands. For brave MONbeth, disdaining Randy's fortune, with his brandish'd chequebook, which smoked with bloody execution, like valour's minion carved out his transfer requests till he faced the CEO which ne'er shook hands, nor bade farewell to him.
Blah blah blah
Scene III – Small Heath near Manchester.
First Witch – Where has thou been, sister?
Second Witch – Eating pies.
Third Witch – Sister, where's my hair?
First Witch – A sailor's wife had chestnuts in her lap, and munch'd and munch'd and munch'd....
Second Witch – WTF you talking about Willis? Chestnuts give me wind.
Third Witch – A drum, a drum. MONbeth doth come.
ALL – The weird midfielders, hand in hand, passers of the ball, thus go about, about; thrice out left and thrice out right and thrice again straight through the middle to the number nine. Peace Cup! The season's wound up.
Enter MONbeth and Banquo
MONbeth – So foul and fair a winger I have not seen since Maloney.
Banquo – What about Albrighton pre-season?
MONbeth – Speak not about him if you can. What are these three midfielders?
First Witch – All hail MONbeth, thane of Celtic Park. You want to sellest me?
Second Witch – All hail MONbeth, thane of B6, Why did you sell me?
Third Witch – All hail MONbeth, thou shalt be England manager hereafter, or maybe not.
Scene IV – Villa Park. The boardroom.
Duncan – Is execution done? Have we offloaded the unwanted six?
Malcolm – My liege. They are not all sold yet. We off loaded one to West Brom – I have spoke with one that saw him want to die when he found out he was off to the Baggies.
Scene V – MONbeth's office.
Lady Macbeth (Ivanhoe) – When I burned in desire to head the ball, they crossed it in the air into which it vanished. I missed another sitter. Sorry boss.
MONBeth – My dearest love, McGeady signs here this week.
Lady Macbeth – Only look up at the scoreboard, to alter the score is ever to fear. Leave all the rest to me.
MONbeth – We will speak further.
Scene VI
MONbeth – If it were done when 'tis done the t'were well it were done quickly. If the resignation could happen five days before our first game it would leave them in deep doo doo. Besides, the Villa fans will plead like angels, trumpet tounged against the deep damnation of my taking off. I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent but only vaulting ambition. Sod this, I'm off to the Old Bailey to watch a murder trial.
Scene VII. Another part of the field.
MONbeth – They have reduced my transfer funds; I cannot spend, but I must fight the course. Heskey, that cannot hit the side of a barn with a banjo? Such a signing am I to fear or none.
Enter Young and Sidwell
Young/Sidwell – What is thy name?
MONbeth – Thou'lt be afraid to hear it. My name's MONbeth.
Young/Sidwell – Trevor Francis himself could not pronounce a title more hateful to mine ear. Thou liest, abhorrent tyrant, you signed us and then played us out of position.
They fight and Young/Sidwell rarely start a game again.
